RoboGeisha
You’ve been waiting your entire life to see this film, you just didn’t know it until now. Cancel the Academy Awards. It’s going to be a landslide.
03 July 2009
Louisiana’s Lowering Standards
Louisiana governor and exorcist, Bobby Jindal, has signed a new law to create a curriculum with lower academic standards in the state’s public schools.
02 July 2009
Still No Summer For Boston
See, I told y’all Boston isn’t having a summer this year. Here we are in July and it’s cooler and wetter than June. Does this mean it’ll start snowing in August? Oh boy, I hope so!
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I’m not the only one making wordsauce.
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01 July 2009
The Lowest Common Denominatrix
The popularity of Sarah Palin has always baffled me, in many ways more than George W. Bush ever did. I realize the average, lowest common Republican denominator isn’t all that bright and tends to believe and do what they are told but can they really be so dense and thickheaded as to see any redeeming qualities in this woman?
Vanity Fair’s profile of Sarah Palin will leave you stupefied. The governor of Alaska is an ignoramus and a narcissist with a severe messiah complex (who signed her birth announcement “creator, your heavenly father”). Case in point:
I watch you at these debates with no notes, no papers, and yet when asked questions, you spout off facts, figures, and policies, and I’m amazed. But then I look out into the audience and I ask myself, Does any of this really matter?
Vanity Fair: It Came from Wasilla
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I put chocolate milk in my coffee this morning. You can’t prove that I didn’t.
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29 June 2009
An Open Letter to the People of Iraq
Dear People of Iraq,
We invaded your home and didn’t bother to take our shoes off or even wipe our feet, some of us even stepped in camel shit on the way in. No wonder you throw shoes at US, celebrate our withdrawal. We accidentally your whole country. We paid to make it go kablooey! and paid to put it back together again. Please keep it together, neither you nor we want US to come back. We Americans are broke and can’t afford another lemon. (We just bought Chrysler — you can have it if you want!)
We killed a lot of your people, we’re just not sure how many exactly. Sorry. Our former supreme leader wasn’t really that great with numbers. Or letters. Or everything. You killed a lot of our troops, too. Not quite as many, of course, but, you know, some. We accidentally killed a few of our own, mostly those who talked.
Oh, before we forget: Some of our military pals are going to stick around for a while to make sure everything’s copasetic. It’s cool if they crash on your couches? They won’t stay too long. We promise. A few might stay indefinitely, but could you really blame them? You’re more likely to remember them than we are. The next time we’ll see them will be at some random intersection where they’ll be all filthy and grizzly-looking, wearing tattered clothes, holding up a piece of dented cardboard with a poorly written pity message on it, begging for change. Don’t get us wrong, Americans support our troops and all, just not literally. We stick signs in our front yards and slap bumper stickers on our gas-guzzling automobiles. Speaking of which, what are you going to do with all that oil? (Too soon?)
It’s time for you to sink or swim. (You’re probably not familiar with that idiom seeing as you don’t really have water. Still, it could probably apply to quicksand. Hey, what’s that like?) Make us proud. Or at least less ashamed.
Breaking up is hard to do. At least we’ll always have pictures to remember each other. Sorry again.
Let freedom ring.
A Must Read on Health Care Reform
From TPM: A must read about the health care industry’s monopoly with key facts to understand the health care reform debate and why a public option should not be jettisoned.
LOST A Little Longer
ABC confirms that LOST’s sixth and final season will total 18 hours, including two-hour premiere and two-hour finale.
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She doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody.
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28 June 2009
Bill Mays (Lies) Here
I’m more upset over the death of Billy Mays than Michael Jackson. Didn’t Billy Mays come with a lifetime replacement guarantee?
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Steve Martin is the best thing about Baby Mama and I can’t remember the last time Steve Martin was the best thing about anything.
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I tweeted twice today.
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25 June 2009
Seven Inches is Average
Not satisfied with blowing your belly up, Burger King now wants to blow your mind away, as hinted at by their new subtle ad campaign.
That's too big to fit in your mouth.
If the sandwich is supposed to symbolize a phallus, then what’s the mayonnaise supposed to be?
The fine print on the ad also lacks subtlety:
Fill your desire for something long, juicy and flame-grilled with the NEW BK SUPER SEVEN INCHER. Yearn for more after you taste the mind-blowing burger that comes with a single beef patty, topped with American cheese, crispy onions and the A1 Thick and Hearty Steak Sauce.
The new oblong BK Super Seven Incher (yes, that’s what it’s really called) is layers of beef, bacon, cheese, mayonnaise, and other miscellaneous foodish substances slathered and jammed between two seven-inch loafs.
It’s a shame there’s a ‘C’ in “incher” because “BK Super Seven In Her” sounds so much more appalling appealing. The promotion is currently running in Singapore but it seems a natural fit for America. Maybe by the time this onslaughter arrives to the land of the free Burger King will have hired Cher as their official spokesman. I mean, her name already appears in the ad. I guess for Cher seven inches of meat, mayonnaise, and loaf wouldn’t be nearly enough.
Now, I don’t know how things go in Singapore, but in America seven inches is just average. If Burger King truly wants to compete in the oblong, girthy meat sandwich market then they’re going to have to top Subway’s Five Dollar Footlongs. In America we like to know that our sandwiches are greater than or equal to the length of a ruler. Seven inches just isn’t enough.
Hold me. Like the river Jordan.
Michael Jackson has passed away. He was 50. His face was 15.
A moment of silence while I grab my crotch.
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The Fawcett’s not running anymore.
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24 June 2009
Oscars Get Longer
The Motion Picture Academy will expand the best picture category to include ten nominees instead of the usual five. Since each best picture nominee typically gets its own individual showcase during the telecast, this should ensure that the Oscars never end. Kudos.