God Hates All of the Above
According to the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) of Topeka, Kansas, God hates Iowa. Wait, Iowa? God hates Iowa? If there is any state that God might be fond of I would think it could be Iowa. Apparently not….
Why does God hate Iowa? Three words: sod-o-mite!
That’s right. Sod-o-mite! Better known as Good Times in the butt.
Angry God, not to be confused with Angry Kid, unleashed a wrath of “killer whirlwinds” on the cockeye state — wait, that’s not right — the hawkeye state in the form of tornadoes for, get this, Iowa’s “sodomite” (apparently they just have the one). WBC will picket the funerals of the ungrateful who died for Iowa’s sins. Picketing is their thing…
Westboro Baptist Church is known for putting out extreme fliers and picketing funerals. All funerals known to man. These are the religious nuts who picketed Heath Ledger’s funeral earlier this year after rejoicing in the fact that Ledger was burning in Hell for all eternity. Not only is it a sin to be a homosexual, as noted by WBC’s tasteful website, godhatesfags.com, but it’s also a sin to play one on TV.
On the day of the Virginia Tech massacre, WBC declared its intent to protest the funerals of the slain students. Luckily, someone intervened. As he did following the Amish school shootings in 2006, radio personality Mike Gallagher offered up an hour of airtime in exchange for WBC’s written promise to leave the grieving families alone. I’m sure there’s a sin in there somewhere.
In March, citing “the Wrath of God upon the children of Disobediance” [sic], WBC picketed the funeral of University of North Carolina student body president Eve Carson, who was killed in a random shooting outside of the UNC campus in an apparent carjacking. There are countless others to mention…
According to Wikipedia, Westboro Baptist Church has 71 confirmed members, 60 of whom are related to the Messiah of WBC, Reverend Fred Waldron Phelps Sr., through blood or marriage or both. It must be hard to picket so many funerals when you’re spread so thin; both in physical number and in a tepidly shallow gene pool. Somehow they still manage to picket and even have time to sing songs and make music videos. Some of their greatest hits include: “God Hates the World,” “This Land is Fag Land,” and “Smell the Brimstone.” But of course my favorite is da WBC white girl rap, “Big Fibbin.”
So what’s with all the picketing? Well, Phelps, a disbarred lawyer who bears a striking resemblance to Reverend Henry Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side, believes that homosexuality and its acceptance have doomed the world to eternal damnation, and that America has become a nation of “Godless sodomites” and “fag-enabling fools.” Since we are all guilty of “fag-enabling,” whatever the fuck that means, then each and every one of us will have our own funerals picketed. I can’t wait.
Back in 2006, when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert presented at the Emmy Awards, Colbert mocked Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. Phelps responded with a ten minute diatribe against both Stewart and Colbert. [Watch the video.]
It basically boils down to this: Phelps speaks directly for God. Whatever Phelps hates, God hates. God hates Iowa, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Heath Ledger, homosexuals (both real and make believe), murder victims, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter…..
What else does God hate? Luckily WBC sends out weekly fliers to let the rest of us know….
God hates China for being an idolatrous nation, so he shook the earth in preparation for the second coming of Jesus Christ. That was mighty nice of him to do. For those who haven’t seen it, that’s basically the plot from Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. In the film, the Silver Surfer destroys portions of Earth in preparation for the coming of the planet-eating Galactus.
God hates Ted Kennedy because the Massachusetts senator supports “sodomy and other soul-damning American abominations.” WBC plans to picket his funeral too. Maybe someone should tell them he’s not dead.
But perhaps most shocking of all is that God hates Mike Huckabee. Yes, that Mike Huckabee! The man who equated homosexuality with pedophilia and once suggested that AIDS victims should be quarantined and kept away from the general population. God hates that man. Back in February, while campaigning in Kansas, Huckabee was greeted by Rev Phelps’ homophobic flock from the Westboro Baptist Church. Why? Who the hell knows!? If Mike Huckabee doesn’t stand a chance of getting into Heaven, what hope do the rest of us have?
So, let’s review with a little pop-quiz. I’ll keep it easy by making it multiple choice, just like religion.
God hates…
A.) Iowa.
B.) Fag-enablers.
C.) Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert
D.) Murder victims.
E.) Ted Kennedy.
F.) China.
G.) Mike Huckabee.
H.) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
I.) Heath Ledger.
J.) All of the above.
The answer should be J, all of the above, but I guess since God technically looks down on us from Heaven, the real answer is all of the below.
All I can say is thank God Jesus loves us.
May 30th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Amen! “Jesus loves us.”
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:42 am
Phelps is a wackadoo, but you made my day with that Jimmy Walker image.
June 4th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
I’m a fan of http://www.godhatesshrimp.com.
June 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Yeah, I discovered God Hates Shrimp after I posted it. It’s true though. The Bible says we’re not supposed to eat shrimp. Though technically we’re not even supposed to go to the bathroom.