Megorious

DISCLAIMER: This post is in response to those who felt it necessary to ruin “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” by screaming out spoilers. Feel free to READ the entire post as it contains NO spoilers whatsoever.

It’s Friday night, almost Saturday. Around the world millions of people of every age are lined up to purchase the concluding chapter in the biggest selling book series of all time. Perfect strangers talk to each other like best friends. Different generations mingle, and though they normally wouldn’t have a single thing in common, for this one night they do. That so many people could be this excited about reading is a testament to the power of words and the magic of writers everywhere. Only a loveless being, like Tom Riddle, would want to rob the world of that power. But Tom Riddle is merely a creation of fiction. Surely there can’t be real people who would try to maliciously ruin a book for children and adults alike.

In cities all around the country last Friday people did just that without remorse. They saw people who wished for nothing more than to exercise their imagination and tried to take that from them. Who are the biggest losers here? The people who wait in line on a Friday night to purchase a book, or the children who are so bored and lifeless that they have nothing better to do than to attempt to ruin said people’s good time?

In Harvard Square, which was renamed Hogwart’s Square for the evening, a pack of prepubescent goons decided to go and record their gay old time: See their video (WARNING: spoilers.)

For those who watched the video: it’s not too impressive, now is it?

For those who didn’t watch it and don’t want to be spoiled, you didn’t miss much. The intelligence level of those who made the video is laughable. They didn’t even bother concealing their identities. In fact, they thought boasting about who they are was the smart thing to do.

Zak Broman (yes, that is really his name) is his name and posing is his game. His cohorts names are Jeremy Sanderson, Tom Morang, Jordan Grillo, and “some kid.” They go by the name of “Tha KKKrew.” Charming.

But it’s Zak Broman who desires all of the attention. After all, he made sure to claim all of the credit by including only his contact information on the video. He doesn’t need the extra baggage of his boys. This is his play. He knows how America works and that cruelty can get you places fast.

Zak Broman and company went to Hogwart’s Square with a megaphone to shout out spoilers. It took about four tries to get anyone to notice them. The first attempt, underground in the subway station, was embarrassing, but you gotta hand it to them because that didn’t stop them. They had to get some attention so they tried again and again.

They spoiled a thing or two but nothing epic, at least not like the last book, and only to a few people. They failed and failed miserably. They knew they were failing too because one of the kids in the video decided to shout out, “Hogwarts Square is closed due to AIDS!” AIDS jokes: always the dark mark of desperation.

What’s really funny is that they couldn’t even succeed at being dicks. I mean, how incompetent do you have to be to botch something as simple as YELLING THROUGH A MEGAPHONE?

What’s the most pathetic thing about Zak Broman and his fagot of twiggy, emo/trendy hooligan chums is that they didn’t even have the balls to go through with their intended malicious act. Each attempt was executed from a safe zone where only a few people, if any, could hear their whiny emo cries. You can see it in the video. There weren’t hundreds or thousands, as they claimed, within an earshot of where they stood. They were too frightened to go up to the actual line of people or even to the front of the bookstore itself. All they needed, all they were there for, was to make the video look convincing enough so that they could upload it to sites like YouTube and ebaumsworld. Then they could be placed on a pedestal and given virtual handjobs by anonymous juvenile delinquents. That’s exactly what Zak Broman did.

First he had to edit the video by inserting necessary feeble captions to better explain what they were doing, since it wasn’t obvious in the video, and of course he had to insert some whiny music and a self-promoting Myspace shout out too.

Then, Zak Broman, you uploaded the video to YouTube and sat back, walloping in your own bile, waiting for the comments to role in. But you didn’t like all of the comments because some of them hurt your feelings; so you deleted said offending comments, leaving only the ones that made you feel like a man.

Then you used the power of Google to go ogle yourself and admire your handiwork. Eventually you ended up on LiveJournal, where someone posted a picture of your muggle-mangled megaphone. The comments there were spot on and cruel but you couldn’t delete those, so you decided to join in by showing your fray. (The thread has since been removed.)Naturally, you typed in ALL CAPS, (because that’s the kind of person you, Zak Broman, are) and resorted to a variation of the only derogative word in your vast aspiring writer’s vocabulary: “FAG.”

ZAK BROMAN HERE.
SORRY POTTERFAG, I GUESS I RUINED YOUR HARRY POTTER BOOK

ALSO, GOOD JOB DESTROYING A FIVE DOLLAR MEGAPHONE FROM SALVATION ARMY. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW WE’RE GOING TO REPLACE IT.

ALSO, HAVE FUN TRYING TO SLAP A LAWSUIT ON ME. I WAS CONFRONTED BY THE POLICE THAT SAME NIGHT, AND WAS INSTRUCTED THAT I HAD THE COMPLETE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH, AND AS LONG AS I DID NOT INCITE A RIOT, EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

I DIDN’T SEE ANY RIOT. JUST LOSERS LIKE YOU CRYING OVER A CHILDREN’S FANTASY BOOK.

oh, and thanks to douchebags like you, i’m now the top ten highest rated video on youtube.com

couldn’t do it without you.

And with that little rant of yours, you admitted to the world the only reason you did this in the first place: attention. You showed us all just how far beneath contempt you and those like you are. You’re so ignorant that you didn’t even realize you were expressing your right to free speech (much like I’m doing right now.) That’s the reason, other than being genuinely frightened by people dressed up as wizards and witches, that you guys hung back from the crowds; you didn’t want to chance getting arrested, even though you couldn’t. You had to be informed of your first amendment rights by a police officer, or so you claim.

Finally, you, Zak Broman, claimed to have made it into the YouTube top ten; joining the ranks of such fine videos as: Do-it-yourself dentistry, Play with Your Pickle with Mike Mozart, and a review trailer for a video game that existed before you were even born. Wow! Quite the dubious honor.

I did my homework. It only takes a matter of seconds to Google someone to find out everything about him or her. In this case, Zak Broman, the sausage kind of Wilmington, wanted everyone to know his name.

Since when did the epitome of cool become having a LJ? Zak Broman has a LiveJournal. Don’t people who like Harry Potter and people who have LJs go hand in hand? (I like Harry Potter and I have a LJ and I’m a dork.) He also has a website that has been “coming soon kiddies” since last February.

Ironically, Zak Broman wants to be a writer. As someone who claims to want to be a writer you above all should appreciate the power of literature. The Harry Potter series has turned a generation of kids and adults onto reading. Those who were nine when the first book came out in 1997 are now 19. They grew along with the story as it evolved from a children’s book to a coming of age tale of self-discovery. It captivated millions.

What you, Zak Broman, tried, but miserably failed, to take away from readers the other night taints any words you could ever possibly excrete onto paper. For you to have no reason for your actions, other than a piss-ass attempt at humour, makes you the lowest common form of human being. You appreciate nothing of the art of writing. The simple fact that you want to be a writer yet shit on writing as an art form makes you a hypocrite, not a hippogriff.

All of us Harry Potter fans need to stick together. If, and it’s a big IF, Zak Broman ever gets published, we must unite in protest at the sheer hypocrisy that he stands for by telling the world what Zak Broman, “the writer,” thinks of his craft. IF that day ever comes, watch for word by keeping an occasional mad-eye on your D.A. doubloon.

This Boston entry was posted Monday, July 23rd, 2007 at 10:27 pm.
Tags: best of, Boston, children, freaks, Harry Potter, hypocrisy, Zak Broman