Marc Jakobs and the Half-Sober Senator
There is this woman who stands on the corner or Beacon and Harvard in Coolidge Corner some Sunday mornings screaming “ANIMAL ABUSE!” She is tall and lanky, with military short light brown to gray hair, grayish skin and a look pure carnage. She has two poster board signs, one in her hand, which reads “Sign for Animal Abuse,” which she proudly showcases when screaming “ANIMAL ABUSE!” and another that hangs on the little table she brings with her that reads Abandon Kittens. I’ve never been quite sure if she’s protesting animal abuse or offering it.
Last Sunday morning I decided to approach her and find out what’s going on. I recently decided that I wanted to get my own kitten and I figured she might be a good place to start. Not really, I’m just a shit. I walked up to her and said, “Can I ask you a question?” She replied, “I don’t have time for questions!” and went on screaming, “ANIMAL ABUSE! SIGN!” When I didn’t move she asked me to move out of her way, as if I was going to block her screaming.
Now before I continue I would like to state that it could appear to mean three different things when you’re holding a sign that reads “Sign for Animal Abuse” and you’re screaming “ANIMAL ABUSE! SIGN!” Those three things are:
1. You’re protesting animal abuse and you want people to sign against it.
2. You’re offering animal abuse and you want people to sign up.
3. You’re trying to draw attention to the animal abuse sign and that’s it.
The word sign has different meanings, kind of like the word draw.
I left the woman alone and went to regroup, she turned out to be more of a match than I ever could have imagined. After walking around, a quick bite to eat and a nice double espresso I returned, determined to engage this woman in conversation and find out what exactly she’s doing.
I came at her from a different direction and was right in front of her before she knew it, that way she couldn’t wave me away before I got close. Her teeth were coffee and cigarette stained and her breath smelled of capitalism.
“I’d like to sign,” I said.
“Ok a membership costs $25 dollars or you can donate $10 just to sign,” she said.
“I don’t have ten dollars.” I said.
“Anything will help, for the price of a cup of coffee you can save one cat’s life.”
“Well I have two dollars.”
“Do you have one more dollar? I can’t let you write the letter without another dollar.”
“I don’t. I don’t carry much cash.”
“Do you have change or anything?”
I checked my pockets and had 90 cents and offered to her, she said that would do. Then she moved my body to the other side of her little table and slapped a pen and pad in my hand. She handed me a piece of cardboard and said,
“You’re coping this onto this. Sign your name and then print it and put your address.”
The cardboard read:
Dear Senator Kennedy,
I am speaking for the ones who cannot speak. Please do your part by signing the Humane Treatment of Animals Act into legislation.
Sincerely,
SIGN YOUR NAME
PRINT YOUR NAME
PRINT YOUR ADDRESS
While I was doing my part a cute girl came up and said she wanted to sign as well. The woman told her she needed $10 to write the letter to Senator Kennedy and I said, “That’s some expensive stamp.” The girl said she didn’t have $10 and I said she only really needed $2.90. The woman was starting to dislike me more. I finished my letter, gave it to the woman who just glanced at it for a second and then stuffed it into an envelope already addressed to Senator Kennedy. Then I asked her where I could find a kitten and she said, “I don’t know. I’m out of New York but you can check the city pound, that’s where they kill them.”
The cute girl gave $3 and copied her letter and then the woman told me to move along because I was blocking her; then she reminded me to come back later in the day with the other $7.10 that I owe her. Just before I departed a man who obviously knew the scary woman came up to her and handed her a cup of Starbucks coffee. “Does it taste like kittens?” I asked and walked away.
Dear Senator Kennedy,
I am speaking for the ones who cannot speak, no not mimes, animals! Well not parrots, because they can speak just fine. Please do your part by signing the Humane Treatment of Animals Act into Legislation. Did you know that for the price of a cup of coffee you could save a kitten? Well the woman who made me write this looks like she’s had four kittens today. Thanks…oh yeah, send this lady $7.10.
Sincerely,
Marc Jakobs
123 Fake St.
Brookline, MA 02446
PS: You have a really big head.