Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em
My room was deplorable for the last two months, maybe longer. It’s not that I didn’t have time to clean but I also didn’t want to. Slowly, my room was swallowed by my stuff and my bed became an island, accessible only by a clear path around it. My room was buried in books, dirty clothes, clean clothes, claw-machine trophies, computer stuff, notebooks, my old computer, cat, shoes, and much more. Finally, Thursday, I had enough.
When your bedroom deteriorates into such a state you can’t just clean it, you have to re-imagine the room and make it something special. Before I could crack out that old dust rag and can of Pledge, I had to find something to do with all that stuff on the floor…
Shelves! I had no shelves, so I headed down to Economy Hardware to find shelves simple enough for even me to assemble. What did I find? After half an hour of wandering around I decided on the black wire storage cubes, they seemed sturdy and were cheap. Plus, assembly was going to be a breeze: “NO TOOLS REQUIRED.”
When I got home, the first decision I had to make was what shape did I want my cubes to take. On the side on the box were pictures of all the possible set up options:
Before I continue my story of cube assibilation (is that a word? it should be) I have to let everyone know how ignorant I am when it comes to building, well anything. A few years ago I bought an entertainment center from Wal*Mart, my dear friend Brad accompanied me and assisted in the construction. We went back to my apartment and I got high while Brad got started. Over the next five hours the only “help” I contributed was spreading all the pieces throughout the living room, so that Brad could easily find them. Eventually I fell asleep, stoner’s coma, and when I woke up, Brad was just finishing my entertainment center. Good job Brad.
My new storage cubes are, as the box lead me to believe, “easy to assemble”. There are only two types of pieces: the wire rack and plastic snappy thingy that holds the racks in place. It’s all very simple; you take the first wire rack, attach four snappy thingies to it, and then attach more wire racks and more snappy things. Eventually you get your first cube, turn it on the side and then begin assembling the next cube. For me though, I had some issues…
First, when you snap a new wire rack in place, the preceding wire rack is more than likely going to come out, this process continued throughout my four-hour storage cube extravaganza. My next issue was what the instructions referred to as “sliding”.
slide
v. (slid, sliding, slides)
1. To move over a surface while maintaining smooth continuous contact.
2. To coast on a slippery surface, such as ice or snow.
3. To pass smoothly and quietly
4. To pass from one alternant Earth dimension to another.
This sliding, it didn’t really work out. There was a lot of snapping, but not much sliding, and it was this that led to problem number two: total structure failure. Just as I slid the top on my second cube, (remember, there are four cubes total) the entire mother-fucking thing collapsed. Yes! Time for a do over…
After swearing and shaking the grids like a crying baby I regained my composure and started from scratch. I eventually got that damn storage cube tower completely assembled, but by that time I was so exhausted and annoyed that cleaning my room just wasn’t my top priority. I went for a short walk and when I returned, I spent the rest of the night cleaning my room.
Even though the cubes were “assembled” doesn’t mean they were ready to hold anything. I moved the cubes to where I wanted them and stacked a few books on top. A shelf came loose; so I fixed it, but another popped out of place and so on. I finally managed to get the whole structure to hold itself together, and then I filled it with books. It held. Seriously.
I was so proud of myself that the next night I bought another shelf. Surely the second shelf would be easier now that I knew what to expect… It was easier, and I finished in a fraction of the time, but when I loaded the shelves with DVDs they started popping out. It was like trying to plug a leak, you stick your finger in a leak and the water stops. Then another leak shows itself, you plug it but as soon as you do another leak springs and another and another. Suddenly, there are too many leaks and you’re out of fingers, you start using your gum and whatever you can find but the leaks are getting out of control. Another, and another, and still more. It won’t stop! Before you know it, people are being indicted left and right (well, only right) for lying about the leak and you’re left with your index finger stuck in a wet hole without anyone to explain why.
I struggled with the shelves coming loose one at a time, that’s when I figured out the problem: the shelves were not “sliding” into the slots all the way. I tried my hardest (and I’m strong, like bull) but I just couldn’t get the motherfuckingsgvefvnsdfofvfdpa-
fuwnfgkbueatbabiesdfvsdfgfrgfmdsnfvj-
fhglkdsfhwpnguwenfgeuwirhgsdnfcwei-
sdfbgjfiknowerinwillreadthisughfdskbfv shelves to lock in place!
REMINDER: “NO TOOLS REQUIRED”
I could only think of two possible ways to get the shelves to slide in completely:
1. Lubricate it with mayonnaise.
2. Get a hammer.
We were out of mayonnaise.
Even with the phrase “NO TOOLS REQUIRED” haunting me I got the damn hammer. I required a tool, and before I got the hammer the only tool in this whole ordeal was me. Now who’s the tool?
I wiped the sweat off my forehead and knocked those bastards in place, one by one they locked in. I was a happy boy, until I went to the shelf from the previous night. All I wanted to do was make sure all the parts were tight, I should have left it alone, but I did’t. It collapsed, books all over, absolute chaos ensued. I didn’t freak out though, after I cried I pulled myself together, assembled the shelf and hammered everything tight. Virgin tight.
When the smoke cleared I had won. I beat metal and plastic. I reflected on a job well done, piled those shelves with crap, finished cleaning, showered, and passed out.
And the shelves? They’re standing four cubes high. Two more and I get a Tetris.