Megorious

Don’t ever get a credit card with Capital One. My very first credit card was with Capital One. I was 18. Credit cards in general are bad news but for some reason Capital One manages to be the cream of the crap.

I stopped using my Capital One card shortly after moving to Boston. I even shredded that damn thing at Staples. I remember the salesman was mortified. He had been showing a friend and myself some fancy shredder that he claimed could cross-shred credit cards and CDs. He wanted to show us the power but the only thing available for shredding were some newspaper coupons. If it had been 1999, they would have had plenty of AOL demo CDs lying around.

I decided to rid myself of the evil Capital One credit card in my wallet. I whipped it out and shredded the damn thing. Sadly, I think the salesman really thought we were going to buy the shredder. But as I explained to him at the time, I had no method of paying for it.

I had problems with Capital One. On more than one occasion I would get a phone call from Capital One telling me my payment was overdue. This was always news to me, as I hadn’t yet received a monthly statement. The woman on the phone politely informed me that sometimes statements aren’t sent out and that it was my responsibility to pay before the bill was due. I told her that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. I even asked her how I was supposed to send in a payment without that nifty little windowed- envelope that was normally included with my statement. She told me to go buy some envelopes at Staples.

The second time this happened to me I called to tell them that I knew my bill was due but that I hadn’t received a statement yet. The gendered-challenged person I talked to on this occasion gave me the same spiel but also included a fact from the big book of Capital One lodrick: “Sir, (I hate when they call me ‘Sir’) every day Capital One sends out 200,000 statements for some 220,000 customers. Sometimes some just fall through the cracks.”

I informed The Thing on the phone that “falling through the cracks” is a metaphor used when something is overlooked, like when something gets lost in the mail. It is not applicable when 20,000 statements are purposely not printed.

She continued to amuse by telling me that not only did I just have to guess when my monthly statement was due for payment, but also that it was my responsibility to send payment to the appropriate department on time. She also told me that in some cases payment has been known to wind up in the wrong the department and that I should allow a buffer zone of five-business days just in case.

Once I paid off the balance I closed my account. Or so I thought. A few months later, when my card expired, I received a brand new Capital One card in the mail. I destroyed it. My debt with Capital One was paid and I no longer wanted anything to do with them.

Well, last year about this time I got a statement in the mail from none other than Capital One. It had a balance of under $30 for the yearly Capital One membership fee or something like that. Even better was that the Pay-by Date was only three days away. I called and told them that I had closed my account and that I would appreciate them accepting the fact that it was over between us. The woman on the phone took care of it.

The next month another statement arrived. This one not only included the membership fee but also a huge late-fee for not paying the previous statement. So I called again and took care of the problem. Much to my surprise the statements stopped coming.

Fast forward to this year. A few months ago I got a Capital One statement in the mail for my monthly membership fee. So I called them AGAIN and took care of THAT problem. But the next month I got another statement with a balance of $0.81. What was that for? It’s some monthly Capital One protection charge. Wasn’t that sweet? Capital One was still protecting me from identity theft despite my repeated account cancellations. But who will protect me from Capital One?

I called and canceled my account again. I told the man on the phone that I never wanted to receive anything from Capital One ever again.

The next month another statement came. This one included a late-fee charge for not paying the $0.81. So I called again.

The next month another statement came. This one included a late-fee charge for not paying the late-fee charge for not paying the $0.81. My balance was near $100 all because of a minute charge for a card I canceled so many times already. So I called. AGAIN!

I should interject here that calling Capital One is probably slightly more than using a broomstick to clean your ears. They have the most obnoxiously drawn-out automated system. The menu seems to be endless. Each menu has only a few options and the last option only prompts another useless menu. And not one of those menus has the option to speak to a live person. Not even pressing ‘0’ will get you a live person. That only makes Menu madder. The only way to get an actual live person on the phone is by smashing your phone’s keypad while screaming profanities at the voice-recognizing system. Only then will you get a response that you are being transferred to customer service.

After fingering my way through the cornhole maze that is Capital One’s automated system, I finally got a live person on the phone. She sounded Indian (dot, not feather.) I explained to her the long, sad story that is my relationship with Capital One. She said she would help me. I promised her that if she could indeed make Capital One leave me alone that I would buy her something nice, like Cashmere (sweater, not the disputed territory.)

Finally, after all this time, I found out what the problem was. Apparently when you cancel Capital One you also have to cancel your insurance by calling another entity that isn’t Capital One. They just never bothered to tell me this since it would keep my account active until the end of time, thus charging me late fees and putting more money in Capital One’s pockets, all the while destroying my credit.

So, for anyone who has Capital One, here is the process for canceling your credit card:

1. Call Capital One and cancel your card.
2. Call the entity known as Payment Protection and cancel that.
3. Call Capital One again to tell them that you have canceled Payment Protection.
4. Capital One will then call Payment Protection (while you are on the phone with them) to verify that PP has been canceled.
5. Allow 60 days of inactivity for your account to close.
6. Pray.
7. Repeat.

This Blog entry was posted Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007 at 3:15 pm.
Tags: Capital One