2007 Real Time Oscars
The 79th Annual Academy Awards hosted by Ellen Degeneres [in real time!]
The following takes place between 8:30 p.m. and 12:21 a.m.
8:30 - Opening talking head segment of nominees seems like an e-harmony.com commercial. How old is Clint Eastwood? Leonardo Dicaprio looks like he has finally reached puberty.
8:33 - “I was able to rhyme ‘inconvenient truth”; with youth.”
8:34 - This dude needs some dental work done.
8:35 - The movie trailer announcer guy introduces the audience of record nominees.
8:36 - First lesbian sighting as Ellen comes out draped in velvet.
8:38 - “No one can fill a seat like an American.” - Ellen
8:41 - Ellen makes a Peter O’Toole joke. He is also wearing velvet.
8:42 - Ellen jokes about Al Gore. Do you think if he wins tonight he’ll announce he is running for President?
8:43 - Best reaction shot of the night - Steve Carell.
8:44 - Tamborine! and a gospel choir.
8:45 - Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman present…
ART DICRECTION - Pan’s Lanbyrinth
8:48 - Maggie Gyllenhaal talks about the sci-tech Oscars. She’s totally making sex eyes at me.
8:50 - Sponsors!
8:53 - Will Ferrell has a fro and a mole. He, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly sing and roast the nominees. “Helen Mirren will be coming home with me.”
8:57 - They present…
MAKEUP - Pan’s Labyrinth
9:00 - Pint-sized twerps present…
ANIMATED SHORT - The Danish Poet
9:02 - Why is this woman apologizing to Tom Hanks?
9:03 - and now the kids present…
LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM - West Bank Story
9:05 - Clint Eastwood talks about Letters from Iwo Jima
I just heard a load knock on the door, I get up and there is a giant fireman standing outside my room. Apparently there was a carbon monoxide leak somewhere in the building. AWESOME!
9:11 - A sound gaffing chorus. One of the girls in the front row is mad hot.
9:14 - Steve Carell and Greg Kinear compare sound editing to sex. Then their sound gets cut off. They present…
SOUND EFFECTS EDITING - Letters from Iwo Jima
SOUND MIXING - Dreamgirls
9:21 - The very HOTT Rachel Weisz presents…
SUPPORTING ACTOR - Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Wow, major upset here. I thought Eddie Murphy was a shoe-in. Alan Arkin was the last person I thought would steal it away. I’m 3 for 5 so far in my predictions: sound mixing, art direction, and makeup.
9:25 - Ellen is in the audience bothering Mark Whalberg. She gives Martin Scorsese, who could be Eugene Levy’s dad, a screenplay she wrote.
9:30 - Leonardo Dicaprio talks about The Departed
9:31 - Oh boy, it’s Randy Newman. I wonder if he’ll sing about things he sees.
9:33 - Melissa Etheridge, looking like Ellen a little, and her guitar.
9:36 - Al Gore and Leonardo Dicaprio. Let’s see if Mr. Gore announces anything…… Nope, he doesn’t. Gore isn’t stiff, he’s kept up his new lively image. Together, the two of them announce how Oscar has gone “green”.
9:37 - Leo accidentally says “globar” instead of “global.”
9:38 - He pushes Gore to make a major announcement. Gore addresses the crowd, “My fellow Americans…” and then gets cut off by the music just before he can make his big announcement. Very well done.
9:42 - Since the Oscars are now green, Ellen recycles some old jokes.
9:43 - Cameron Diaz and her big fucking mouth presents…
ANIMATED FEATURE - Happy Feet
9:45 - Best joke of the evening: “Oscar winner Ben Affleck.” Oh wait, he did win an Oscar. Gees. Affleck comes out, ruins everything, reads like a piece of cardboard, and then introduces a series of clips on writing.
9:49 - Bald Jack Nicholson sighting!
9:50 - Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren banter. Interesting take: they read screenplay excerpts for the clips being shown…
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - William Monahan, The Departed
9:55 - Tom Hanks sarcastically mocks former MTV Newsman Chris Connelly. Hilarious.
9:58 - The first iPhone commercial, featuring film clips of characters saying “Hello.”
9:59 - Ellen comes out with an Oscar in a baby carrier.
10:00 - Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway banter about forgetting to make Meryl Streep a cappuccino. Meryl’s face is stone cold priceless.
COSTUME DESIGN - Marie Antoinette
10:05 - Hey! It’s Tom Cruise! Acting normal, he introduces Sherry Lansing, who receives an honorary Oscar.
10:08 - BATHROOM BREAK
10:10 - Ellen is in the crowd talking to Clint Eastwood. Steven Speilberg takes a picture of Ellen and Clint for Ellen’s Myspace.
10:12 - Gwyneth Paltrow talks about how camera phones and YouTube have made everyone cinematographers. She presents…
CINEMATOGRAPHY - Pan’s Labyrinth
So, after a strong start, my predictions have faltered. I loved Pan’s Labyrinth but I thought Children of Men should have won cinematography. With a win for Happy Feet I’m now 4 for 9.
10:16 - Another freakin interpretive dance sequence, this time for Little Miss Sunshine. This whole idea should have been scratched.
10:20 - Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. He makes a great joke at his own expense. How humbling. She can barely speak. They present…
VISUAL EFFECTS - Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
10:30 - Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett present…
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - For the Lives of Others (Germany)
10:33 - Ellen silhouette.
10:34 - George Clooney talks about drinking backstage with Jack Nicholson and Al Gore. He presents…
SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
10:42 - I missed who these people are.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT- The Blood of Yingzhou District
10:44 - Jerry Seinfeld! He does a little bit then presents…
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - An Inconvenient Truth
With the documentary feature and Ms. Hudson’s Oscar I am now 6 for 12.
10:48 - The producers share their Oscar with Al Gore, who throws down a smoke bomb and runs off with the award!
10:50 - Clint Eastwood talks about Enrico Morricone’s beautiful music.
11:10 - The President! Of the Academy!
11:11 - Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson present…
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Little Miss Sunshine, Michael Arndt
11:16 - More stupid silhouettes and more stupid Chris Connelly.
11:20 - Please welcome “an excellent reason for HDTV”? WTF!? Jennifer Lopez wants some tacos. She introduces the stars of Dreamgirls to perform the three nominated songs.
ORIGINAL SONG - An Inconvenient Truth
11:34 - Steve Carell talks about Little Miss Sunshine.
11:35 - Two time Oscar Nominee Will Smith introduces a series of clips.
11:40 - Kate Winslett presents…
FILM EDITING - The Departed
11:45 - Jodie Foster presents ZOMBIES! I mean, the Academy members who died in the past year.
Wow, it’s ten minutes till midnight and there are still four awards to give out. I’m fairing a little better than I did last year with my predictions, 6 for 17. Last year I had 7 total.
11:51 - Ellen jokes, “Well, that’s our show. I brought it in under time.”
11:52 - Philip Seymour Hoffman presents…
ACTRESS - Helen Mirren, The Queen
11:57 - More freakin silhouettes and more freakin Chris Connely.
12:01 - Reese Witherspoon presents…
ACTOR - Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
12:07 - Obviously, because of who is coming out to present, Martin Scorsese is going to win an Oscar finally. Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, and George Lucas (who has never won an Oscar)banter and then present…
DIRECTOR - Martin Scorsese, The Departed
12:13 - Bald, hoarse but still the man, Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton present…
PICTURE - The Departed
12:16 - Ellen bows out casually.
12:21 - Credits end.
Total Running Time: 3 hours, 51 minutes.
Fuck. I have to make out with Rosie O’Donnell. (Rosie, text me.) I honestly thought Little Miss Sunshine would win. I don’t think it deserved to win but I thought it might have actually won. I got 9 out of 21. Hey, that’s more than a third.
February 26th, 2007 at 7:37 am
I got nine. You know, the one that I was surprised I didn’t get was actually short animated. But anyhoo…