Jesus® Love Me Longtime
Today’s post is brought to you by the letter T.
Back during the summer, while Satchel was visiting me in Boston, he and I ventured out to the South Station bus terminal to rescue a biologist from the Peter Pan Bonanza. [NOTE: The preceding sentence will probably only ever make sense to three people.] Whilst waiting for the bus to arrive we sat next to a spacey looking woman with thick glasses and frizzy hair. She seemed to be drawn to me by some higher power. Maybe she was being steered by the hand of God or even her inept faith. Actually it was my t-shirt that read “Jesus Loves Me”.
The woman, whom I will call Eve, told me how she loved my shirt and I assumed she was in on the joke. Surely Eve doesn’t think I’m 4rizzle with the Jezzle? She does…interesting…
Conversation was sparked but not like sparked with a match or a lighter, sparked like trying to start a fire with two rocks and wet twigs. Eve, who was probably in her mid to late forties, was so impressed to know that a major clothing company was in the Jesus business. I swear Eve’s eyes almost teared at the thought that maybe not all the youth of America was damned to an eternity of boulder pushing in the topics of Hell.
Eve struck up a convo and asked what my denomination was, to which I replied that I had no denomination. I decided to go along with Eve instead of explaining that not only was my shirt meant to be ironic but also that she apparently didn’t know what irony was. Satchel would have been more than happy for me to juice Eve’s faith like a freshly picked orange but I didn’t. I kept lying to Eve, telling her I went to some non-denominational (cult?) church back home in Louisiana (at the time nobody had any idea that God was about to destroy Louisiana) and that I was in Boston visiting my brother who goes to Emerson. Basically I told her I was visiting myself. I lied and Satchel just kept staring forward. Apparently Christians have vision based on movement.
Occasionally I would turn toward Satchel and talk to him, pretending Eve wasn’t there at all but she would always chime in with something else. I underestimated this Christian because I think she was starting to figure out that I was indeed mocking her and that I wasn’t saved.
Ironically the Bonanza bus arrived and a Jew saved us from the Christian.