Juicy-Fruit® for Jesus®
Lately it seems as if everyone walking down Boylston St. has been consuming granola bars, everywhere you look people are snacking on them. Where did they get them? Ryan got his answer Thursday morning. Just as he was exiting the Arlington T stop Ryan was greeted by a shaggy-haired teenager offering him a granola bar - smores; the classic campfire treat now in a convenient and portable bar. Ryan knew there had to be a catch, people don’t just hand out bars and not expect something in return. Ryan was right. The catch was of course Jesus. Each bar came with a business card that to the naked eye almost looked like a card for the Army. This kid however wasn’t pushing something real, like the Army, he was pushing Jesus. This boy wanted to save Ryan with granola.
After Ryan accepted his bar he continued walking, then he was stopped by another Christian, a ridiculously hott one. This girl, we’ll call her Eve, stopped Ryan and offered him a small pack of Big Red® and another card for the Divinity Church in Cambridge. Ryan thought the girl was pretty darn cute so he talked to her for a few minutes; he told her that she shouldn’t hand out cinnamon gum because people might associate the burning sensation with burning in Hell. Amazingly Eve was taking Ryan very seriously even though he was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Jesus Loves Me”. Perhaps she took it way to literally. “Is that your boyfriend because that guy doesn’t seem to have his heart in this whole soliciting thing?” Ryan asked Eve, referring to the boy with the granola.
“No.” Replied Eve. “I love Jesus.”
“And Jesus loves me.” Said Ryan. “You might want to rethink your chewing gum options.” Ryan said as he excused himself and continued on his was to the Restaurant.
“Thanks! Have a grea - an AWESOME day!” Yelled Eve as Ryan left.
The following morning Ryan was again in his normal routine of heading to work. As he exited Arlington there was a fat man standing atop the stairs, he was handed out bars, oatmeal blueberry, and Jesus business cards. Ryan accepted the bar and continued on his way when he heard someone shout “I like your shirt!” Ryan’s shirt said “C is for Crunch” and the shouter was Eve.
“Hey, it’s you!” Said Eve. “Hey look…” Eve pulled out a pack of Juicy-Fruit from her satchel. “No more Big Red.”
“Hey hey…Juicy-Fruit for Jesus. Good choice.” Said Ryan. “I bet Jesus would have chewed Juicy-Fruit in his day, had they had gum. It would have come in handy what with being a carpenter and all.”
Ryan talked to Eve for a few minutes and learned that she wasn’t as young as she looked. Maybe she would be there next week and Ryan could talk to her some more. Maybe Eve could achieve her goal and save Ryan’s soul. Or maybe Ryan could achieve his and corrupt Eve.
Christians, like Eve, see people in two different ways: saved and damned. They try and save the ones they can and the one’s they can’t they pray for. They feel that one day judgment will come for all and on that day the ones that are righteous will ascend to Heaven and the ones who aren’t will go to work, without free granola bars and sticks of gum. Rapture is not a species of dinosaur anymore.
So you have to ask yourself, which gum do you chew? Do you chew the one that burns and tingles in your mouth or the one that floods your mouth with waves of fruity flavor? Chew too much Big Red and your tongue will become sore. Juicy Fruit, much like Jesus, tastes great, but loses its flavor quickly.