Paramount Maul
Something unusual happened outside the Paramount Mall the other day: a bear wandered out into civilization. He, and he obviously was a he, was both gnarly and grisly. The passersby were initially alarmed by Bear’s spectacular entrance but continued about their individual strolls as Bear, seeming perfectly harmless, collapsed into a comfortable flump on the sun-warmed sidewalk. A few moments later a purple pantsuit-wearing woman pushing a baby stroller exited Starbucks. Inside the crib was an ugly child of about six months with bright orange hair. The woman’s other child, around the age of six and wearing olive overalls, sipped from her kid-size iced coffee. Her curious eyes immediately noticed Bear. She tugged on mommy’s arm but mommy did not flinch (for she was engaged in gossipy conversation on her cell phone) so the girl stuck her tongue out at Bear. Well, Bear is not one to be mocked so he returned the rude gesture with his enormous pink tongue. The girl laughed. Bear did too then rolled over onto his back to stretch. The mommy’s meaningless babble began to irk Bear so he picked up the toddler from the stroller and crossed the street towards the Paramount Mall.
Outside the mall a waif sat begging for change. Bear didn’t have any change because he is, after all, a bear. Bear had no intention of hurting the baby so he carefully dropped the child, unharmed, but moist with drool, in a nearby trash receptacle, then headed into the mall to shop the sales. Bear garnered suspicious looks from a security guard who was curious as to why Bear used the regular door and not the rotating glass door as the sign clearly instructs patrons to do. He didn’t bother to say anything though since it is common knowledge that bears do not listen.
Bear clambered through the mall for a while then decided to apply for a job at Express for Men. Sadly Bear was denied because the manager, Mr. Rick, felt Bear didn’t have The Look. The manager suggested that Bear try American Eagle. Well, hearing the word “eagle” made bear hungry as he recalled he had not eaten anything or anyone yet that day. Bear grabbed a quick bite at the bar at Illegal Seafood then headed down to American Eagle to fill out an application. Despite the obstacles on the application, Bear managed to fill it out entirely (though he secretly hopped they wouldn’t call his previous employer for a reference.) Bear was told to come back the next day to begin work but to make sure that he dressed like he works at American Eagle.
The next day Bear returned wearing a shirt that said, “I’m kind of a big deal.” Bear was an immediate hit with both the staff and the customers. The girls were particularly impressed with his irreverent wit and casual sense of apathy. After work Bear was invited out for a drink with his new coworkers. Bear went because he had developed a crush on his trainer, Dakota, and was hoping to go into hibernation with her sooner rather than later. But after a few too many drinks things got a little rowdy after some guy in a striped shirt told Bear to simmer down. Bear didn’t like that. Nope not one bit. Bear got up and approached striped shirt, who pushed Bear. Bear pushed back. Bear’s coworkers tried to hold him back but it was rather difficult since Bear was being taunted to “bring it on Yogi!” Bear finally snapped. He charged at the guy in the striped shirt and began scratching and tearing him to shreds. The bouncers tried to stop Bear but he mauled them too because he’s a fucking bear.