megorious

Hello America, this is your old friend Teddington Earnest Dippingham with the latest in eatin’.

You know I’ve always said that pancakes could be quicker and easier to make. Ever since the dawn of time man has had to mix pancake mixture with eggs and milk and butter just to enjoy a delicious baker’s dozen stack of mouthwatering pancakes. That time-consuming process consumes time from real consuming. And that doesn’t even include the pain-staking cooking time! When a man wants pancakes he might be willing to waste a couple of minutes to mix and fry up a buttery batch, but when a man NEEDS pancakes, there is never a minute to spare.

A few years ago they introduced shake-and-pour pancake batter mixes but those still weren’t efficient enough for a man of importance, such as myself. They also have those thaw-and-pour batter mixes but again, thawing takes time. Until now, ready-to-pour mixes were the best science could offer. But again, time is of the essence….

Well, someone must of peered into my dreams to come up with the most efficient way yet for the man-on-the-go to conjure cakes from a pan. Finally, the breakthrough technology of Cheez-Whiz has been applied to pancakes. Introducing Batter Blaster - compressed pancake batter in a can. With this convenient baby you’ll never be late for another meating again. And best of all - they’re organic! Take that ya dirty hippies!

Hello everyone. TED here back from a court-ordered hiatus for more eatin.

It’s been a long time since I posted but I’ve been busy traveling the world sampling erotic mayonnaises. As a matter of fat, I was recently an (unofficial) judge at the Cinco de Mayo(nnaise) festival in Hidden Valley, California. Of course this is the only festival devoted to mayonnaise and only mayonnaise. There’s no Miracle Whip here. Everyone knows that real Miracle Whip is what was used to strike Jesus in order to get him to produce magic miracles; hence the name. Miracle Whip is NOT mayonnaise; it’s a bastardized version of mayonnaise that tries to pass itself off as a salad “dressing.” But everyone knows that real mayonnaisers don’t eat salad, unless of course it’s a salad made strictly of egg, cheese, bacon, croutons, and dressing. Naturally the Miracle Whip people tried to steal our thunder this year with their Miracle Blimp but thanks to an anonymous tip, the Department of Homeland Ranch Security took down the Miracle Blimp.

So, what’s new in the world of mayonnaise? Well, gobs! New technology, such as Kraft’s wide-mouthed jar, was all everyone could talk about this year. For years mayonnaisers have been restricted and mocked by small jar orifices. Well, not anymore! Kraft’s new wide-mouthed jar makes it easy for even the chubbiest of digits to access glutinous globs of gelatinous gooey mayonnaise. There is no spoon or shovel to big for this baby.

This is an edited version of a post from the flyinsaucier LJ archives originally published on 01.05.2004.

CASE #: 0001
UNSUSPECTING VICTIM: Crafty
LOCATION: CCG
DATE: Monday, January 5, 2004

When Steve, the prep cook at CCG, makes any desserts he brings out the left-overs for the employees to snack on. He cuts off the uneven pieces (carrot cake, chocolate cake) and PRESTO, cake shavings! Tonight when I got to work, there were some cake shavings on a plate in the expo window. We were about to throw them out when I got an idea.

With some assistance from the cooks, I spread lots of gooey, creamy mayo all over the chocolate cake. You see, the icing we use for the cake looks uncannily like mayonnaise. And boy did it look convincing.

I set the plate in the expo window and went about my business. Who would be the first to find it? Who would be the first to eat it? Would they vomit? Enter Crafty, the useless manager only good at changing light bulbs.

Whilst I was talking to Emily at the hostess stand we suddenly heard an eruption of laughter followed by a scream of disgust from the kitchen. I knew it was done. I invited Emily to go to the kitchen with me.

Crafty didn’t take a nibble but a mouth full of chocolaty, mayonnaisey goodness. Pretty much everyone was in on the gag except for Crafty; he got his gag shortly thereafter. All the kitchen guys knew what I had done so as soon as Crafty shoved that cake in his mouth like the fat girl next door the awesomeness began. He nearly vomitted.

Later, Crafty tried to get others to eat it, but he failed. Like Frodo he failed.

I couldn’t sleep last night. It might have been the three gallons of coffee I consumed while driving back from doing things but I’m not sure. I tossed and turned and finally gave up. I sat up, lowered my legs to the floor and stared at the clock; it was just past midnight. There was half a chicken leg on the nightstand so I chewed on it for a second, thinking. Perhaps a snack will settle me down. A midnight snack.

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I’m sick and tired of hearing people call America FAT. We’re not fat, we’re healthy! HEHEHE. As an engorged American, I am merely storing weight for a later date. You never know when the world’s food supply is going to run out. Why, if the Nazis came tomorrow to take all of our food I would have enough sustenance stored to last me years. I’ll tell you who won’t though, those supermodels. They’ll be the first to go. Paris Hilton can be celibate for as long as she wants, if she doesn’t eat a doughnut or something she’s going to be gone with the wind.

America is fat, but not fat enough. I mean come on people. We need to pick up the pace…and pour it all over everything. I have come up with some ways to make America fatter. We would hate for France or Zaire catch up with us.

Let’s start with starters…

Appetizers & Antipasta
Appetizers have grown in size in the last few years but not fast enough. First things first, get rid of the dishes. It’s an appetizer. Staring at an empty plate is just going to make you hungrier. May I suggest edible dishes? How about frying the plate (or basket if you will) that the cheese sticks come in. Cheese is staple for appetizers. As a matter of fact cheese should be included in every course of your meal. Mmmmmmmmm cheese…

Fried Apps are very popular. Chicken, cheese, mushrooms ect. But what about those picky eaters out there? They might want the friedness with out the mushroom or the chicken. That brings me to a whole new invention - batter bites! Just fry up the batter…even batter double better them. Serve with some Ranch for dipping and you are ready for the next course.

You hardly ever see any pasta for an appetizer. Pasta is great as a main course, but what about those times when you can’t decide between pasta and steak? Well now you can have both! One giant bowl on the table and smaller serving bowls for patrons to dish it all out. Get your pasta fix early. I’m not anti-pasta, I’m pro-pasta. Bring on the pasta.

Salads & Soups
Some, not all, but some do not like salad. In a lot of restaurants though salad comes with your entree. This would be a perfect place to insert my pasta idea. In the event that the dining establishment or trough you are eating at doesn’t offer the substitution of pasta, you can still get the salad. Don’t like lettuce or anything that grew naturally from the Earth? Neither do I. Order a salad and sub extra cheese and croutons for the lettuce and tomatoes. Bet that sounds good now? A plate of cheese and croutons…oh and of course bacon! And I haven’t even got to the best part. DRESSING! Most places should provide you with as much free dressing as you want for your salad. (And I’m not talking fat-free.) Here is what you do: order your cheese/crouton/bacon salad with Bleu Cheese (or your dressing preference) and ask for a soupspoon. Don’t get your dressing in one of those little ramekins, ask for the source. You know they have gallons of the stuff in the back so bring it on baby. The soupspoon will enable you to get more dressing in every bite. And while we are at it: the term dressing is too thinning. How about sauce?

Entree
Steak or Shrimp? Chicken or Pork? What to get? How about all? Steak topped with shrimp topped with chicken topped with bacon. Served with a baked potato with extra cheese, extra sour cream and a whole stick of butter. Butter melts. Stand that stick right up on top of the potato and just let it melt down. Ask for a bowl, you don’t want to make a mess. You’re not a monster.

Grilled, blackened or fried? Fried obviously, but can you do all THREE? How about some alfredo poured over your steak and mashed potatoes? Or on the side for dipping? You can do anything you want. Don’t want to mix your chicken and beef? Then add chicken to your salad! Get it out of the way early so that you can fill up on what you really came for.

Dessert
It’s okay if you are too full for dessert. You’re only human, aren’t you? Just because you are too full for a brownie topped with FRIED ice cream, hot fudge, pecans and a whole cheesecake doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the most important part of a meal. Take it to go. You never know when you might get hungry. Maybe in the parking lot, on the way home, or even just as a midnight snack. Make some room before you leave the restaurant or when you get home and you can fit that sweet dessert right in your belly. After all, all it takes is one trip with a periodical of your choice. Dessert is a must this day in age.

So there we have a few tips on keeping America on top. With all that weight we should crush the competition.

Best of Eatin America,
-TED

HELLO AGAIN AMERICA, TED HERE WITH THE LATEST IN EATIN’….

WHILE SOME FAST FOOD CHAINS, LIKE THOSE SUPERCILIOUS BASTARDS AT MCDONALDS, ARE TRYING TO CREATE A HEALTHIER IMAGE FOR THEMSELVES, OTHERS ARE STEPPING UP TO FILL THAT BULBOUS VACANCY FOR LOYAL EATERS LIKE MYSELF. MCDONALDS AND WENDYS HAVE ELIMINATED THEIR RESPECTIVE SUPER-SIZING OPTIONS AND NOW OFFER SUCH EATIN BLASPHEMIES LIKE SALAD AND WATER. BUT NEVER FEAR UNITED EATERS OF AMERICA BECAUSE BURGER KING IS ESCALATORING UP.

FIRST THE KING BROUGHT US CHICKEN FRIES, AND WHO DIDN’T LOVE THOSE? THEN THEY BROUGHT US THE ENORMOUS OMELET SANDWICH…

NOW, I’M NOT ONE TO COMPLAIN NORMALLY BUT THAT OMELET SANDWICH IS NOT AS ENORMOUS AS I HAD HOPED. SURE THERE ARE MULTIPLE MEAT PATTIES, CHEESE CHEESE AND CHEESE BUT THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT HALF A DOZEN EGGS! NOW YOU’RE TALKING TO A MAN WHO EATS A BAKERS DOZEN AND THAT’S BEFORE NOON. HALF A DOZEN EGGS WILL HARDLY AMOUNT TO AN IMPRESSIVE LOOGEY. THE FACT THAT THE KING GAVE AWAY THEIR FREE CHEESY TOTS DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THIS UNDER PERFORMING “SANDWICH”. THE NEW BK STACKER HOWEVER IS A SANDWICH THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE.

THE CONCEPT: (AND THIS QUOTE COMES DIRECTLY FROM BK.COM)

Get meat and cheese your way with BK™ STACKERS. Choose from double, triple, or quadruple layers of beef and cheese - topped with bacon and sauce. It’s the flame-broiled meat lover’s burger and it’s here to stay - no veggies allowed.

HOW ABOUT THAT!? FINALLY, SOMEONE OUT THERE IS LISTENING TO ME. NO VEGGIES AND AS MUCH MEAT AS YOU WANT. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, BURKER KING HAS BECOME THE FIRST RESTAURANT TO OFFER A QUADRUPLE BURGER. MCDONALDS CAN TAKE THEIR FRUIT CUP AND SHOVE IT. I’LL HAVE TWO QUADS AND A TRIPLE BYPASS FOR LUNCH TODAY. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM….

TED is a foodie of epic proportions (Hell, TED is pro-portions!) who travels the world looking for new tastes while sampling erotic mayonnaises.

If you would like to contact TED you may leave a comment below or email him at TED (at) megorious (dot) com.

BEFORE I GET TO THE EATIN, I’D LIKE TO THANK RYAN AND MEGORIOUS’ BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR ALLOWING ME TO COME BACK AFTER THAT INCIDENT AT THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY. I HAVE AGREED TO PAY FOR THE DAMAGE INFLICTED ON THE XEROX MACHINE AND FOR COUNSELING SESSIONS FOR THOSE WHO CLAIM THEY WERE “DISTURBED”. HEHEHEHE. AHHHH….

NOW ON TO THE EATIN.

THE GOOD YOLKS AT HOT POCKETS BRAND HAVE TOPPED THEMSELVES ONCE AGAIN WITH THEIR NEW HEARTY SIZED STUFFED BISCUITS. JUST LOOK AT THE BREATHTAKING “REAL” EGGS, LITTERED WITH BACON TUMORS AND GOOEY CHEESE, PASSIONATELY EXCRETE FROM THE BRESH FAKED BISCUIT AT A GELATNOUS RATE.

THESE DELICIOUS BABIES GO GREAT WITH RANCH OR BLUE MAYONNAISE AND ARE NOW IN YOUR GROCERS’ FREEZER. MMMMMMMMMMM….

TED is a foodie of epic proportions (Hell, TED is pro-portions!) who travels the world looking for new tastes while sampling erotic mayonnaises.

If you would like to contact TED you may leave a comment below or email him at TED (at) megorious (dot) com.