2005 Real Time Oscars
The following takes place between 8:30pm and 11:42pm.
8:30 - Dustin Hoffman narrates about movies and what they mean to us; the short is filled with scenes from Oscar nominated films and “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.
8:33 – Chris Rock is already yelling and he makes a reference to “Rocky 5″. Bad joke made about Nicole Kidman’s smile when she lost to Halle Berry a few years back, Kidman’s reaction is not shown but it should have been.
8:35 – Rock rants about Jude Law being in every movie, Letterman made a better joke in 1995 about Tommy Lee Jones “staring in every film that was released this year.”
8:37 – Rock rants about George W. Bush for three minutes and then moves on to “The Passion of the Christ” and Mel Gibson.
8:41 – Shout-out to the troops. USA! USA!
8:42 – Halle Berry presents…
Best Achievement in Art Direction - The Aviator
NOTE: All the nominees were on stage so the winner was at the microphone within seconds.
8:45 – Renee Zellwegger, looking like Jennifer Tilly, presents…
Best Supporting Actor - Morgan Freeman for “Million Dollar Baby”.
This is Freeman’s first Oscar; surprisingly he was overlooked for “Deep Impact”.
8:52 - Robin Williams makes a Viagra joke. Clint Eastwood is chewing gum. Joan Rivers joke. Spongebob is gay jokes.
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year - “The Incredibles”
blah blah blah……
8:58 - Cate Blanchett (calm down Evan) presents….
Best Achievement in Makeup - Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events
9:01 - Who let “the beautiful” Beyonce into the Oscars?
9:07 - I reheat my leftover cheeseburger from lunch; Ben Mullet comes home and bitches about drill.
9:09 - Did you see “White Chicks”? “Ohh I love that movies!” “Best movie of the year!”
9:11 - Who gave Martin Lawerence an Oscar? Scarlett Johansen talks about hosting the Sci/Tech awards. Yay.
9:13 - James Bond (sounding like recently outed Patti Simpson) has the honor of acting along side some animated character from “The Incredibles”. They present….
Best Achievement in Costume Design - “The Aviator”
9:17 - Tim Robbins-Sarandon presents….
Best Supporting Actress - Cate Blanchett for “The Aviator”
So what’s the appeal Evan? Does she regurgitate crackers onto other crackers?
9:24 - Johnny Carson tribute.
9:28 - Leonardo Dicaprio presents….
Best Documentary Feature - “Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids”
“Tom Hanks was right, this thing is heavy.” Yeah, but he has two.
9:30 - Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom present….
Best Achievement in Editing - “The Aviator”
Third trophy for “The Aviator”.
9:32 - The “lovable” Mike Myers (the actor/comedian not the mass murderer) introduces Counting Crows to sing some song from “Shrek 2″
NOTE: Mike Myers is not lovable, he’s more jolly. Michael Myers should present next year.
9:38 - Miller Light is America’s fastest growing beer. I didn’t know beer could grow.
9:40 - Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Tonight the part of Catherine Zeta-Jones will be played by Chris Rock.) Sandler presents….
Best Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published - Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor for “Sideways”
9:44 - Donnie Darko and Sheila!? present…
Best Achievement in Visual Effects - Spiderman 2
9:47 - The President! Of the Academy! No, not the police academy. I heard he won the popular vote but not the electoral vote.
9:48 - He’s still talking.
9:49 - Al Pacino looks like he just had a quicke. Pacino presents the honorary Oscar to Sydney Prescott…oh wait, no. Sidney Lumet.
9:55 - Mr. Lumet comes to stage to get his “flag team” Oscar and speaks for only three minutes.
9:59 - Jack Bauer screams “Damn it!” Oh wait.
10:01 - 1000 times the force of gravity? Wow! Dyson vacuums suck.
10:02 - I think the camera man is drunk. Song from “The Phantom of the Opera” and Beyonce!? Again!? I bet Chris Rock is hittin that.
Joel Schumacher directed “Phantom” and I imagine it’s his best film, but its no “Batman and Robin”. Actually “Lost Boys” was his best film. Yeah.
10:06 - Erin admits to “skimming” my play by play. I bet when she sees here name she will skim a little deeper.
10:07 - “Comedy superstar” Jeremy Irons, standing in the audience. He presents…
Best Short Film, Live Action - “Wasp”
10:09 - A classy Laura Linney presents….
Best Short Film, Animated - “Ryan”
Wow. I won! I’d like to thank all of the little people, like Sheila and Jenni. And of course the big people like Taylor and Ted.
10:12 - “Titanic” music escorts Kate Winslet out to present…
Best Achievement in Cinematography - “The Aviator” again
10:14 - “Terminator” music leads out to commercials and Ryan’s trip to the bathroom. Will he leave the seat up? Duhn duhn duuuuuuuhhhhnnnn……
10:15 - Erin and Ryan talk 24.
frznchikn: maaaaan, 24 tomorrow
flyinsaucier: oh yeah
flyinsaucier: OH YEAH
frznchikn: “there’s a loose ctu agent on teh floor”
flyinsaucier: that says a lot about jack’s sex life
10:18 - Pricewater house. Boob joke - “You won’t be able to take your eyes off these four presenters.”
Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek present….
Best Achievement in Sound - “Ray”
Best Achievement in Sound Editing - “The Incredibles”
Stephen makes a funny: “Cut off by sound, how ironic.”
10:24 - Maybe Salma and the twins will stay on stage all night. She translates… More music.
10:30 - Oscar chat via AIM.
10:33 - Natalie Portman. Want to touch the hiney…. She presents…
Best Documentary Short Subjects - “Mighty Times: The Children’s March”
10:36 - Oscar and a McFlurry. Better than a Furry. John Kerry joke.
10:37 - “Oprah’s favorite white man” John Travolta presents…
Best Original Score - Jan A.P. Kaczmarek for “Finding Neverland”
10:40 - Martin Scorsese, showcasing his HUGE glasses and Eugene Levy eyebrows gives out another free Oscar. blah blah blah…
10:44 - Chatroom humor.
sacklunch81 (10:44:15 PM): erin left
flyinsaucier (10:44:20 PM): good.
sacklunch81 (10:44:26 PM): it’s a sausage fest again
(10:44:27 PM) frznchikn has entered the room.
flyinsaucier (10:44:28 PM): i bet she’s masterbating
sacklunch81 (10:44:32 PM): lolol
frznchikn (10:44:33 PM): omg
10:45 - Three time Academy Award nominee Annette Bening introduces Yo-Yo Ma, and for those of you who don’t know; Yo-Yo Ma is a cellist not some new model of the yo-yo.
10:53 - Ohh Stormtrack 5 is tracking an east coast storm. 12 inches of snow tomorrow.
10:54 - Sean Combs gets through security and introduces the fif and final song from “The Polar Express” which contains a “real and powerful message”. Beyonce yet again. Just give her an Oscar already for her portrayal of Foxy Cleopatra.
10:58 - Prince presents…
Best Original Song - Jorge Drexler for “Diarios de motocicleta” or “The Motorcycle Diaries”
11:01 - Sean Penn ruins everything then presents…
Best Actress - Hillary Swank for “Million Dollar Baby”
11:07 - Mmmmmmmilky Way…
11:10 - I never knew Gwyneth Paltrow breast fed an apple. She presents…
Best Foreign Language Film - “Mar adentro” directed by Alejandro Amenábar (Spain)
11:15 - Samuel L. Jackson presents bitches….
Best Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - Charlie Kaufman for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
11:21 - Charlize Theron presents…
Best Actor - Jamie Foxx in “Ray”
11:28 - Wow, a NEW applicator!
11:31 - Julia Roberts must have stabbed Peter Jackson b/c she presents….
Best Director - Clint Eastwood for “Million Dollar Baby”
Whoa, that was the first real shock. I thought it would go to Scorsese.
11:34 - Dustin Hoffman ends the night that he started along with Mecha-Streisand. Oh wait, that’s regular Streisand or Barbara Streisand if you will.
Best Picture of the Year - “Million Dollar Baby”
11:38 - Seacrest out! Um, I mean Chris Rock signs off from what was a very awkward evening.
11:42 - Credits end followed by another plug for “Blind Justice”.
Hrmmm. Just over three hours, not bad. That’s pretty short and that’s exactly what they wanted. Well that’s it. I’d like to thank the following sponsors for making tonight possible:
Wiggly® brand CHUNKY Mayonnaise
Cheese Shake
Game-Where?
Zombie! Notary Public
LA HA!
sacklunch81
frznchikn
stevmonkey
and of course the Chart House, for giving me the night off…after the fact.