Clue 2: The Clueing
Clue, the 1985 film based on the Parker Brothers board game of the same name, is my all-time favorite film. I’ve seen it at least a hundred times and know every line by heart. So you could imagine I was a bit distraught after finding out that there could be a remake on the horizon. According to Variety:
Universal Pictures has announced a six-year partnership with Hasbro to produce at least four feature films based on branded properties. The properties include Monopoly, Candyland, Clue, Ouija, Battleship, Magic: The Gathering and Stretch Armstrong.
Transformers was the first and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will be the second. Hopefully they’ll only make four and Clue won’t be one of them. A Candyland or Ouija movie might be interesting.
The problem with remakes is that they take away from the original. The fact that Michael Bay has already been signed to remake Rosemary’s Baby makes me want to throw up in my mouth; not a little, but a lottle. I could just see a wretched Clue remake: directed by McG and starring Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Shudder.
Instead of remaking Clue, why not do a revival? They could simply reuse most of the original cast in their original roles since most are still around, though considerably older.
If they must remake Clue, and assuming they use the characters from the original film, allow me to offer up some casting suggestions:
Wadsworth (originally played by Tim Curry)
• Eddie Izzard
Mrs. Peacock (originally played by Eileen Brennan)
• Catherine O’Hara (first choice)
• Parker Posey
Mrs. White (originally played by the late, great Madeline Kahn)
• Sigourney Weaver (first choice)
• Parker Posey
Professor Plum (originally played by Christopher Lloyd)
• William H. Macy (first choice)
• Ed Begley Jr.
Mr. Green (originally played by Michael McKean)
• Tim Robbins (first choice)
• Stephen Colbert
Colonel Mustard (originally played by Martin Mull)
• Stephen Root (first choice)
• John Michael Higgins
Miss Scarlet (originally played by Lesley Ann Warren).
• Miranda Richardson (first choice)
• Queen Latifah
Yvette (originally played by Colleen Camp).
• Queen Latifah (first choice)
• Paris Hilton
Mr. Boddy (originally played by Lee Ving).
• Harvey Keitel (first choice)
• Steve Buscemi
I think any possible Clue remake would best be left in the hands of Christopher Guest and his comedic crew, which would give us Michael McKean. Many of my choices are from Guest’s films anyway: Parker Posey, John Michael Higgins, Catherine O’Hara, Ed Begley Jr..
In fact, Christopher Guest’s Clue might end up looking a little something like this:
Jennifer Coolidge — Mrs. Peacock
John Michael Higgins — Colonel Mustard
Catherine O’Hara — Mrs. White
Ed Begley Jr. — Professor Plum
Christopher Guest — Mr. Green
Parker Posey — Miss Scarlet
With Eugene Levy, Bob Balaban, Larry Miller, Fred Willard, and Michael McKean available to play other characters and/or murder victims.
In the meantime, and hopefully forever, there is just one Clue, a film where any snippet will always make me laugh, no matter how many times I’ve seen it. But this bit featuring Mrs. White slays me more than any other.
Here are a few other clips to get you through the day:
• “I had to stop her from screaming.”
• “I said ‘no’ meaning yes.”
• 1 + 2 + 2 + 1
• “Mr. Boddy’s body, it’s gone.”
And if you’ve never seen it, czech out the trailer.