Kevin Costner & Chris Matthews in Swing Vote
I can’t stand Kevin Costner. I can count on one hand how many of his films I have enjoyed. I’m not over exaggerating. Watch, I’ll count them: Thirteen Days, Waterworld (yes, I enjoyed it the first time I saw it), A Perfect World, and JFK. There’s just something about Costner that makes me want to throw up in my mouth. So you can probably imagine how I cringed when I saw him pop-up in a new film trailer the other day. There he was, southern hick drawl and all, fishing with some child who probably has never heard of Kevin Costner.
In the trailer, the little girl starts nagging her dad, Bud, about the importance of voting. Bud’s not registered, so she took the liberty of registering for him. “Great, I could get jury duty.” Bud goes to vote and the voting machine suffers some sort of internal error. His vote is null but he gets to vote again.
Then, as if the presence of Kevin Costner wasn’t enough to make me prematurely hate this movie, a voice-over from none other than Chris fucking Matthews excretes out of the speakers in Dolby Digital Surround Sound, like the T-Rex devouring the jeep in Jurassic Park. The Presidential election has come down to one state where the vote is tied. That’s right, Bud’s singular revote will be the deciding vote for all of America. His vote is the only one that counts.
At this point I’m thinking I should just shoot myself. Chris Matthews’ voice is enough. Surely they won’t show his vast pale face. They can’t. They won’t. They do! Chris Matthews’ enormous fucking melon head fills the screen. No one should ever have to see Chris Matthews projected on a screen that large. Oh, the huge manatee!
I’m just about to pull the trigger when something happens: The projected image shifts from Chris Matthews to a bunch of drunks watching the news in a bar. Then, a split-screen of the two presidential nominees.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, at that very moment my opinion of this film went from utter revulsion to curious amusement. I literally became giddy and excited to see this film. The casting for the two presidential candidates (Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammer) and their staff (Nathan Lane, Stanley Tucci) is inspiring, almost enough to make me forget that Kevin Costner is the focus of the film. Check out the trailer and see for yourself. For once I might actually go see a Kevin Costner film.
How much do you wanna bet that the ultra-conservative Kelsey Grammer plays the Republican nominee?