EAT YOUR HEART OUT
I’m sick and tired of hearing people call America FAT. We’re not fat, we’re healthy! HEHEHE. As an engorged American, I am merely storing weight for a later date. You never know when the world’s food supply is going to run out. Why, if the Nazis came tomorrow to take all of our food I would have enough sustenance stored to last me years. I’ll tell you who won’t though, those supermodels. They’ll be the first to go. Paris Hilton can be celibate for as long as she wants, if she doesn’t eat a doughnut or something she’s going to be gone with the wind.
America is fat, but not fat enough. I mean come on people. We need to pick up the pace…and pour it all over everything. I have come up with some ways to make America fatter. We would hate for France or Zaire catch up with us.
Let’s start with starters…
Appetizers & Antipasta
Appetizers have grown in size in the last few years but not fast enough. First things first, get rid of the dishes. It’s an appetizer. Staring at an empty plate is just going to make you hungrier. May I suggest edible dishes? How about frying the plate (or basket if you will) that the cheese sticks come in. Cheese is staple for appetizers. As a matter of fact cheese should be included in every course of your meal. Mmmmmmmmm cheese…
Fried Apps are very popular. Chicken, cheese, mushrooms ect. But what about those picky eaters out there? They might want the friedness with out the mushroom or the chicken. That brings me to a whole new invention - batter bites! Just fry up the batter…even batter double better them. Serve with some Ranch for dipping and you are ready for the next course.
You hardly ever see any pasta for an appetizer. Pasta is great as a main course, but what about those times when you can’t decide between pasta and steak? Well now you can have both! One giant bowl on the table and smaller serving bowls for patrons to dish it all out. Get your pasta fix early. I’m not anti-pasta, I’m pro-pasta. Bring on the pasta.
Salads & Soups
Some, not all, but some do not like salad. In a lot of restaurants though salad comes with your entree. This would be a perfect place to insert my pasta idea. In the event that the dining establishment or trough you are eating at doesn’t offer the substitution of pasta, you can still get the salad. Don’t like lettuce or anything that grew naturally from the Earth? Neither do I. Order a salad and sub extra cheese and croutons for the lettuce and tomatoes. Bet that sounds good now? A plate of cheese and croutons…oh and of course bacon! And I haven’t even got to the best part. DRESSING! Most places should provide you with as much free dressing as you want for your salad. (And I’m not talking fat-free.) Here is what you do: order your cheese/crouton/bacon salad with Bleu Cheese (or your dressing preference) and ask for a soupspoon. Don’t get your dressing in one of those little ramekins, ask for the source. You know they have gallons of the stuff in the back so bring it on baby. The soupspoon will enable you to get more dressing in every bite. And while we are at it: the term dressing is too thinning. How about sauce?
Entree
Steak or Shrimp? Chicken or Pork? What to get? How about all? Steak topped with shrimp topped with chicken topped with bacon. Served with a baked potato with extra cheese, extra sour cream and a whole stick of butter. Butter melts. Stand that stick right up on top of the potato and just let it melt down. Ask for a bowl, you don’t want to make a mess. You’re not a monster.
Grilled, blackened or fried? Fried obviously, but can you do all THREE? How about some alfredo poured over your steak and mashed potatoes? Or on the side for dipping? You can do anything you want. Don’t want to mix your chicken and beef? Then add chicken to your salad! Get it out of the way early so that you can fill up on what you really came for.
Dessert
It’s okay if you are too full for dessert. You’re only human, aren’t you? Just because you are too full for a brownie topped with FRIED ice cream, hot fudge, pecans and a whole cheesecake doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the most important part of a meal. Take it to go. You never know when you might get hungry. Maybe in the parking lot, on the way home, or even just as a midnight snack. Make some room before you leave the restaurant or when you get home and you can fit that sweet dessert right in your belly. After all, all it takes is one trip with a periodical of your choice. Dessert is a must this day in age.
So there we have a few tips on keeping America on top. With all that weight we should crush the competition.
Best of Eatin America,
-TED