MIDNIGHT SNACK
I couldn’t sleep last night. It might have been the three gallons of coffee I consumed while driving back from doing things but I’m not sure. I tossed and turned and finally gave up. I sat up, lowered my legs to the floor and stared at the clock; it was just past midnight. There was half a chicken leg on the nightstand so I chewed on it for a second, thinking. Perhaps a snack will settle me down. A midnight snack.
I drove down the street to the 24-hour diner, walked in and grabbed a booth. I sat down, ordered a glass of heavy whipping cream to drink; grabbed the menu and began to browse. The menu was dirty, it hadn’t been wiped down in days; there was jelly (grape), cheese (cheddar), grease (bacon), and some salsa (mild) just to name a few.
The waitress approached, set down my ice-cold glass of whipping cream and removed the pen from her hair. I could still smell her last cigarette on her.
“What you having?” she asked.
“I see the biggest cheeseburger you have is the half pounder, any chance of doubling that?” I inquired.
“Suuuure thing sweetie. You want hash browns with that?” Thelma said. (I had just noticed her nametag.)
“Yes. Double hash browns with 2 extra sides of bacon, toast, fries, pancakes, sausage, a ham steak and an egg yolk omelet.”
“An egg yolk omelet?” Thelma said.
“Yes. And I find that a dozen eggs are not nearly enough to satisfy my manly appetite. HeheheheheheHAHAhehehehehehehehEHEHEhaheheeheheheeeeehhheeeeehoheeehe
heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheooooooooooooooooooohehehehehehehe
hehehemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMmmm….” I said.
She walked away quickly, gave the order to the cook who then looked over at me. Thelma circled back around and brought me my place setting. I grabbed the spoon, shoveled some salsa into my mouth, then grabbed some sugar packets and headed to the bathroom to make some room. As I approached the bathroom I yelled out passionately, “PUT EXTRA CHEESE ON EVERYTHING!”
Twenty minutes and a quarter of “The New Yorker” later I returned. My meal hit the spot just right. I love the way food looks when you have just emptied an entire saltshaker over it. It glistens like diamonds. I put a little bit of everything on my burger and chowed down. My plates became one big mess of food but I could still taste the distinctive flavors of cheese and cheese. I finished, ordered a pot of coffee and three slices of pie. After I gobbled down the pie Thelma brought me my check. Naturally, as if by instinct, I closed my eyes and turned invisible with the magic of my special invisibility noise. As I surreptitiously squeezed out of that tight booth I could still hear as the cook yelled, “What the hell is he doing? He’s got to pay for that!”
I couldn’t wait to get outside so I could spit.