Cerealism: The Republican Secret Weapon
Earlier, I posted some thoughts regarding the appearance of John McCain and Mike Huckabee, in particular this unflattering picture. For some reason it really got me thinking outside the box. As a result, all sorts of satirical ideas popped into my head. I began to amend said post when it started to become something entirely different. I wasn’t just thinking outside the box, I dove right inside to find a prize.
WARNING: The following is chockfull of morons, Mormons, oxymorons, and hell, maybe even oxy-Mormons. Know that when I use a term such as “left” when referring to slanted Republicans, I use it in the most righteous since of the word. At the same time, remember that an ironic phrase like “moderate republican” is merely an anagram for “a truce imponderable.” Suspend all logic or turn back now.
John McCain is just about a sure bet for the Republican nomination. But that doesn’t mean the conservative base is happy with him as their man. In the past, McCain has sided with Democrats and even (gasp!) gone against The Decider himself. He’s always been a staunch supporter of the war, but he also voted to fund stem cell research, and voted against the Bush tax cuts. In the eyes of many Republicans, McCain has committed unforgivable atrocities by exercising his own free will. Republicans can barely tolerate George Will these days, let alone free will.
The conservative base, in particular the Christian cock ring around the base, could make or break McCain come November. But if McCain is too hanoingly “left” for some Republicans, then Mike Huckabee, or Huckleberry as I like to call him, is too far on the right hand side of God for “moderate” Republicans.
In order to appease the entire establishment, the Republican Party needs someone in the middle. They had this chosen one in the form of (the always hilarious) Mitt Romney, but shunned him like a bad dog strapped to the roof of the family car. Romney was forced to graciously submit, but did it for the sake of sparing us all from terror.
Ideally, the paramount Republican candidate would be a molten seraphic maverick of a man, someone who cannot only save our souls, but save us from terror as well. Jesus Christ meets Jack Bauer. The problem with this hypothetical Jesus Bauer fellow is that he is made up of two fictional beings.
In the real world, Republicans don’t have a super candidate. They have John McCain and Mike Huckabee; which I guess makes McCain Jack Bauer, and Huckabee Jesus Christ. (I said you would have to suspend all logic.)
The obvious way to go would be for a McCain/Huckabee ticket. But don’t mistake obvious for oblivious. McCain/Huckabee is the equivalent of a Bauer/Christ, or even a Rambo/Flanders ticket. It’s not a dream team with a guaranteed win. It’s an advertisement for the Republican rift, a constant reminder that the Vice-Presidential nominee is a walking contradiction of the Presidential nominee. They need to have subtle yet distinguishable differences, like Coke and Pepsi.
In all honesty, the best option for the Republicans is to amalgamate the two men into one, assuming that scientists can do so, and also assuming that the Republicans, Huckabee in particular, are willing to accept science. If successful, I like to think IT would be called McHuckleberry, as in “McHuck’ll bury you!” See, you get the intimidation of Jack Bauer with the compassion of Jesus all in one.
The only other conceivable way to create McHuckleberry, which sounds like a delicious breakfast cereal, is for McCain and Huckabee to breed. But I think we all know that option is off the table. And the last thing any of us want to imagine is John McCain and Mike Huckabee on the table.
If they were to somehow procreate, or even go the science route, I imagine their spawn would look a little something like Frankenberry. Frankenberry’s got both of their foreheads, Huck’s eyebrows, tooth, and smile, and McCain’s rosy cheeks. More importantly, Frankenberry is fortified with eight vitamins plus iron and is made from whole grains. Just like McCain!
Wait a tick… Maybe they already have. I may have uncovered the Republicans’ secret weapon. Frankenberry could be the solution to all their problems. It makes sense. Think about it. I know you won’t.
Why should the Republican Party be forced to choose between two flawed candidates when they could have their combined flaws rolled into one marshmallowy man-child? I suppose the only downside to running Frankenberry is that he bears a striking resemblance to Fred Thompson, which could turn voters off the way Fred turns his filthy hot wife off. Conversely, Frankenberry does seem to embody Mitt Romney’s Reaganesque charisma that the GOP dry humps loves so much.
My God. Don’t you see what they’ve done? Frankenberry just isn’t McCain and Huckabee. They’ve amalgamated them all! McCain + Huckabee + Thompson + Romney = Frankenberry: the (almost) perfect Republican candidate. The only thing that’s missing is a hair of Giuliani – that patented, color-coded, Republican-brand fear mongering – to remind us that we are all gonna die.
If the fundamentally flawed Frankenberry is going to be the Republican nominee and win in November, he will need a Vice President who embodies the idiosyncrasies of the scariest Republicans, like the way Alberto Gonzales can erase minds, or how Dick Cheney eats babies. I guess it’s too bad there isn’t a breakfast cereal mascot called Terror Berry. He’d be the perfect running mate.
One would think that Count Chocula would be a perfect fit for the Republicans. He’s scary. He’s a Count, so he’s obviously rich. But there’s one little problem: Count Chocula is a liberal. To hell with euphemisms. Let’s not sugarcoat things here. Chocula is black, not to mention an immigrant too. The Republican Party cares only about the rich and the white. Why do you think they call it The Right?
No, the real way to ensure Republican dominance come November is for Frankenberry to select a running mate who can appeal to the blue states. One who will cough, sneeze, and shit 9/11 all over the American people with a sudden insidious cry of, “BOO!” One who invokes fear and stays crunchy in milk. That’s right, I’m talking about none other than Boo Berry, a bipartisan of a complete breakfast.
God help us all.
