Cinco de Mayonnaise
Hello everyone. TED here back from a court-ordered hiatus for more eatin.
It’s been a long time since I posted but I’ve been busy traveling the world sampling erotic mayonnaises. As a matter of fat, I was recently an (unofficial) judge at the Cinco de Mayo(nnaise) festival in Hidden Valley, California. Of course this is the only festival devoted to mayonnaise and only mayonnaise. There’s no Miracle Whip here. Everyone knows that real Miracle Whip is what was used to strike Jesus in order to get him to produce magic miracles; hence the name. Miracle Whip is NOT mayonnaise; it’s a bastardized version of mayonnaise that tries to pass itself off as a salad “dressing.” But everyone knows that real mayonnaisers don’t eat salad, unless of course it’s a salad made strictly of egg, cheese, bacon, croutons, and dressing. Naturally the Miracle Whip people tried to steal our thunder this year with their Miracle Blimp but thanks to an anonymous tip, the Department of Homeland Ranch Security took down the Miracle Blimp.
So, what’s new in the world of mayonnaise? Well, gobs! New technology, such as Kraft’s wide-mouthed jar, was all everyone could talk about this year. For years mayonnaisers have been restricted and mocked by small jar orifices. Well, not anymore! Kraft’s new wide-mouthed jar makes it easy for even the chubbiest of digits to access glutinous globs of gelatinous gooey mayonnaise. There is no spoon or shovel to big for this baby.
