Oscar and Grammy winning soul singer, and voice of “Chef” on South Park, Isaac Hayes has passed away. “Goodbye, children.”

The 80th Annual Academy Awards, hosted by Jon Stewart [in real time].

(Live Blogging the Oscars....sort of.)

I am, by no means, an expert when it comes to predictions. Some of the films I haven’t even seen. But this is my blog and I do what I want. I only make “predictions” in 21 of the 24 categories. I exclude the three shorts: Documentary, Animated, and Live Action. Last year, I got 9 out of 21 correct and, as a result, had to make out with Rosie O’Donnell (though she denies it).
(minor categories)

In advance of Sunday night’s Academy Award’s telecast, Slate V put together this little retrospect of horrible movies that Oscar winners have gone on to make. Missing are the obvious blunders, like Halle Berry’s Catwoman or even Raul Julia’s farewell performance in Street Fighter: The Movie. Instead, Slate looks at the post Oscar followups from some of the greatest actors in film history.

With the Writer’s Strike still going, one wonders what this year’s Oscar ceremony will look like. Jon Stewart is still scheduled to host on February 24…

Variety has the full list of nominations.

Jon Stewart is set to return as the host of the 80th. Annual Academy Awards.

I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s the charm.
-Jon Stewart

The 79th Annual Academy Awards hosted by Ellen Degeneres [in real time!]

(Read more »&raquo)

I must say I’m rather disappointed by this morning’s Oscar nominations. I’m somewhat thrilled that Little Miss Sunshine got some attention, most notably for its pint-sized star Abigail Breslin, but at the same time I am shocked by the number of nominations it received over the best films of the year Pan’s Labyrinth and Children of Men. Both of these cinematic triumphs were excluded from best picture and all acting categoires. They did both earn writing nods: adapted screenplay for Children of Men and original screenplay for Pan’s Labyrinth. Pan’s also secured a much deserved best foreign film nod. I still can’t help but be bothered by the fact that both films were cheated. They deserve the right to compete against each other for honor of best picture.

This year all five best picture nods fulfill the mandated cliche of usual suspects: the (albeit modern) period piece The Queen; the politically charged thriller (think Crash) Babel; the high body count police/mafia/ect. drama The Departed; the war movie Letters fro Iwo Jima; and the feel-good comedy Little Miss Sunshine.

The acting categories are mildly pathetic, excreting a mix of Oscar favorites like Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren and Cate Blanchette and then Oscar virgins like Ryan Gosling, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith (yes, that Will Smith.)

Czech it: the complete list of nominees

Last year I decided I no longer cared about the Academy Awards but still enjoyed watching the ceremony half-assedly. So tonight, as I did last year, even while hindered by my most recent bout of pharyngitis, I will transscrible the tomfoolery and tomcrusery of a bunch of rich people honoring the cream of their crop of crap.

I shall update the real-time Oscars�� every commercial break, unless of course my enormous tonsils obstruct something besides my breathing/swallowing capabilities.

The 78th Annual Academy Awards hosted by Jon Stewart [in real time!]

The following takes place between 8:00 PM and 11:34 PM
8:00
- Typical Oscar opening featuring scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” and “Jurassic Park.”
8:01
- Brought to you by: Diet Coke, Mastercard, JC Penny, General Motors…ahhh sponsors.
8:02
- Awesome skit with former hosts and Mel Gibson?.
- Those are really Steve Martin’s kids.
8:04
- Jon Stewart is not a good actor… Oh, and George Clooney is in his bed.
8:05
- First Jack Nicholson sighting! Felicity shoutout!
8:06
- First “Death to Smoochy” joke.
8:07
- First boob reference!
8:08
- Great reaction from George Clooney.
8:10
- Jew joke. (How tasteless.)
8:11
- Dick Cheney/Bjork joke.
8:13
- Classic gay Hollywood westerns homage.
8:15
- Great Charleston Heston/Moses joke that only about two people heard/laughed at: “He looks like he’s been lifting 20 commandments.”
8:16
- Looking fine, Nicole Kidman presents…
Best Supporting Actor - George Clooney, “Syriana”
8:21
- First commercial break, followed by phglem.
8:25
- Tom Hanks mocks himself in an awkward skit that is marginally funny.
8:26
- Ben Stiller, wearing a green suit, is inspired and actually funny in clever special effects Tony Wonder-esque illusion. He presents…
Best Visual Effects - “King Kong”
8:31
- Reese Witherspoon presents…
Best Animated Feature - “Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
8:34
- Naomi Watts introduces the first of only three Best Original Song nominees.
8:35
- Dolly Parton and her amazing breasts!
8:38
- Dolly is done. Ad-nauseam! Potty break!
8:40
- First Diet Coke commercial.
8:42
- Scientology tomcruisery!
8:43
- Luke and Owen Wilson present…
Best Live Action Short - “Six Shooter”
8:45
- Chicken Little and some really scary animated character present…
Best Animated Short - “The Moon and the Sun”
8:48
- Give this woman a cheeseburger. Jennifer Aniston presents�Ķ
Best Costume - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
8:51
- I think Russell Crow is gonna hit someone. Nope. Montage!
8:54
- Before ABC cuts to commercial, the announcer teases us with mention of Steve Carrell’s name. Will Ferrell’s name is also mentioned.
8:57
- As warned, Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell, both dawning makeup, present…
Best Makeup - “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”
9:00
- A man and woman win for best makeup, the guy takes up the entire speech time, with the woman looking very perturbed. Just as he finally shuts up, the music cut off the woman just as she approached the mic. I bet she is pissed.
9:01
- Russell Crow joke.
9:02
- Tech awards. Yada, yada, yoda.
9:03
- Show some respect, it’s Morgan Freeman. He stumbles on the word “demonstrative”. God presents…
Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz, “The Constant Gardener”
(She was in “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns.”)
9:12
- Zombie Lauren Bacall talks about Film Noir. Montage!
9:15
- Yes! I just got a new comment on Myspace.
9:16
- Steven Colbert narrates a series of Best Actress campaign ads.
9:18
- Pimp, Terrance Howard, presents…
Best Documentary Short Subject - “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin”
9:22
- Charlize Theron presents…
Best Documentary Feature - “March of the Penguins”
9:23
- Who let J.Lo in? She talks about “Crash” and introduces a song. The stage appears to be on fire.
9:31
- Extreme Makeover: Tards Edition! [props to Ben]
9:32
- “Speed” reunion! I hate Sandra Bullock. She and Keanu Reeves present…
Best Art Direction - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
9:36
- The star of “Snakes on a Plane” introduces a montage.
- My head hurts.
9:40
- Susan Sarandon joke.
9:41
- The president! Of the Academy!
9:43
The President (again, of the Academy) gives a shout out to NOLA.
9:44
- One of Salma Hayek’s boobs looks much bigger than the other. She intros the best score nominees. I didn’t hear which one because my craxy roommate Amy cackled, voraciously.
9:49
Uni-boob presents…
Best Original Score - “Brokeback Mountain”
9:51 - 9:55
Ryan cries because he hates being sick.
9:56
- Donnie Darko has a crooked bowtie. He talks about spectacles, not the kind you wear on your face.
- MONTAGE!
10:00
- Jesica “Big Head” Alba and Eric “The Hulk: Bana present…
Best Sound Mixing - “King Kong”
(I never saw the monkey movie.)
10:03
- Scary Lindsay Lohan sighting.
10:04 - 10:07
- Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep banter. Look at all that botox.
- They eventually introduce a Robert Altman MONTAGE!
10:10
- OLD! Robert Altman walks out to the “Mash” theme and a standing ovation.
Altman: They’ve got a clock on me.
Ryan: Who’s they? God?
Ben: Tick tock, old man.
10:16
- American Express commercial with M. Night Shammalamamadingdong.
10:18
- Ludicrous! Who let Ludacris into the Oscars? He intros a best song nominee.
10:21
- “Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimp!”
10:22
- Queen Latifah and her chocolate pudding breasts present…
Best Original Song - “It’s Hard out here for a Pimp” from “Hustle and Flow”
10:25
- Jon Stewart cracks up.
- Dradle off!
10:25
- More Ed Helms expose.
10:27
- Jennifer Garner nearly slips, twice, then presents…
Best Sound Editing - “King Kong”
10:30
- Oscar winner George Clooney gives shout-outs to the dearly departed.
10:31
- MONTAGE!

Ok, I lost some time due to multiple distractions:
- an entertaining phone call from Jamie
- medication time
- Campbells Chicken Noodle soup with a grilled cheese sandwich
- roommate banter

Here’s what was missed:
Best Actor - Phillip Seymour Hoffman, “Capote”
Best Actress - Reese Witherspoon, “Walk the Line”
also, six more montages…

11:07
- Captain Hook presents…
Best Adapted Screenplay - “Brokeback Mountain”
11:13
- Looking like the Corpse Bride, Uma Thurmun presents…
Best Original Screenplay - “Crash”
11:19
- Tom Hands hanks out the award for…
Best Director - Ang Lee, “Brokeback Mountain”
11:22
ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE JACK.
Jack Nicholson presents…
BEST PICTURE - “Crash”
11:25
-MAN ARMS!

11:29
-Jon Stewart closes gracefully.
-The credits roll…

11:34
total running time: 3 hours, 34 minutes

The following takes place between 8:30pm and 11:42pm.

8:30 - Dustin Hoffman narrates about movies and what they mean to us; the short is filled with scenes from Oscar nominated films and “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.

8:33 – Chris Rock is already yelling and he makes a reference to “Rocky 5″. Bad joke made about Nicole Kidman’s smile when she lost to Halle Berry a few years back, Kidman’s reaction is not shown but it should have been.

8:35 – Rock rants about Jude Law being in every movie, Letterman made a better joke in 1995 about Tommy Lee Jones “staring in every film that was released this year.”

8:37 – Rock rants about George W. Bush for three minutes and then moves on to “The Passion of the Christ” and Mel Gibson.

8:41 – Shout-out to the troops. USA! USA!

8:42 – Halle Berry presents…
Best Achievement in Art Direction - The Aviator
NOTE: All the nominees were on stage so the winner was at the microphone within seconds.

8:45 – Renee Zellwegger, looking like Jennifer Tilly, presents…
Best Supporting Actor - Morgan Freeman for “Million Dollar Baby”.
This is Freeman’s first Oscar; surprisingly he was overlooked for “Deep Impact”.

8:52 - Robin Williams makes a Viagra joke. Clint Eastwood is chewing gum. Joan Rivers joke. Spongebob is gay jokes.
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year - “The Incredibles”
blah blah blah……

8:58 - Cate Blanchett (calm down Evan) presents….
Best Achievement in Makeup - Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

9:01 - Who let “the beautiful” Beyonce into the Oscars?

9:07 - I reheat my leftover cheeseburger from lunch; Ben Mullet comes home and bitches about drill.

9:09 - Did you see “White Chicks”? “Ohh I love that movies!” “Best movie of the year!”

9:11 - Who gave Martin Lawerence an Oscar? Scarlett Johansen talks about hosting the Sci/Tech awards. Yay.

9:13 - James Bond (sounding like recently outed Patti Simpson) has the honor of acting along side some animated character from “The Incredibles”. They present….
Best Achievement in Costume Design - “The Aviator”

9:17 - Tim Robbins-Sarandon presents….
Best Supporting Actress - Cate Blanchett for “The Aviator”
So what’s the appeal Evan? Does she regurgitate crackers onto other crackers?

9:24 - Johnny Carson tribute.

9:28 - Leonardo Dicaprio presents….
Best Documentary Feature - “Born Into Brothels: Calcutta’s Red Light Kids”
“Tom Hanks was right, this thing is heavy.” Yeah, but he has two.

9:30 - Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom present….
Best Achievement in Editing - “The Aviator”
Third trophy for “The Aviator”.

9:32 - The “lovable” Mike Myers (the actor/comedian not the mass murderer) introduces Counting Crows to sing some song from “Shrek 2″
NOTE: Mike Myers is not lovable, he’s more jolly. Michael Myers should present next year.

9:38 - Miller Light is America’s fastest growing beer. I didn’t know beer could grow.

9:40 - Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Tonight the part of Catherine Zeta-Jones will be played by Chris Rock.) Sandler presents….
Best Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published - Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor for “Sideways”

9:44 - Donnie Darko and Sheila!? present…
Best Achievement in Visual Effects - Spiderman 2

9:47 - The President! Of the Academy! No, not the police academy. I heard he won the popular vote but not the electoral vote.

9:48 - He’s still talking.

9:49 - Al Pacino looks like he just had a quicke. Pacino presents the honorary Oscar to Sydney Prescott…oh wait, no. Sidney Lumet.

9:55 - Mr. Lumet comes to stage to get his “flag team” Oscar and speaks for only three minutes.

9:59 - Jack Bauer screams “Damn it!” Oh wait.

10:01 - 1000 times the force of gravity? Wow! Dyson vacuums suck.

10:02 - I think the camera man is drunk. Song from “The Phantom of the Opera” and Beyonce!? Again!? I bet Chris Rock is hittin that.
Joel Schumacher directed “Phantom” and I imagine it’s his best film, but its no “Batman and Robin”. Actually “Lost Boys” was his best film. Yeah.

10:06 - Erin admits to “skimming” my play by play. I bet when she sees here name she will skim a little deeper.

10:07 - “Comedy superstar” Jeremy Irons, standing in the audience. He presents…
Best Short Film, Live Action - “Wasp”

10:09 - A classy Laura Linney presents….
Best Short Film, Animated - “Ryan”
Wow. I won! I’d like to thank all of the little people, like Sheila and Jenni. And of course the big people like Taylor and Ted.

10:12 - “Titanic” music escorts Kate Winslet out to present…
Best Achievement in Cinematography - “The Aviator” again

10:14 - “Terminator” music leads out to commercials and Ryan’s trip to the bathroom. Will he leave the seat up? Duhn duhn duuuuuuuhhhhnnnn……

10:15 - Erin and Ryan talk 24.
frznchikn: maaaaan, 24 tomorrow
flyinsaucier: oh yeah
flyinsaucier: OH YEAH
frznchikn: “there’s a loose ctu agent on teh floor”
flyinsaucier: that says a lot about jack’s sex life

10:18 - Pricewater house. Boob joke - “You won’t be able to take your eyes off these four presenters.”
Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek present….
Best Achievement in Sound - “Ray”
Best Achievement in Sound Editing - “The Incredibles”
Stephen makes a funny: “Cut off by sound, how ironic.”

10:24 - Maybe Salma and the twins will stay on stage all night. She translates… More music.

10:30 - Oscar chat via AIM.

10:33 - Natalie Portman. Want to touch the hiney…. She presents…
Best Documentary Short Subjects - “Mighty Times: The Children’s March”

10:36 - Oscar and a McFlurry. Better than a Furry. John Kerry joke.

10:37 - “Oprah’s favorite white man” John Travolta presents…
Best Original Score - Jan A.P. Kaczmarek for “Finding Neverland”

10:40 - Martin Scorsese, showcasing his HUGE glasses and Eugene Levy eyebrows gives out another free Oscar. blah blah blah…

10:44 - Chatroom humor.
sacklunch81 (10:44:15 PM): erin left
flyinsaucier (10:44:20 PM): good.
sacklunch81 (10:44:26 PM): it’s a sausage fest again
(10:44:27 PM) frznchikn has entered the room.
flyinsaucier (10:44:28 PM): i bet she’s masterbating
sacklunch81 (10:44:32 PM): lolol
frznchikn (10:44:33 PM): omg

10:45 - Three time Academy Award nominee Annette Bening introduces Yo-Yo Ma, and for those of you who don’t know; Yo-Yo Ma is a cellist not some new model of the yo-yo.

10:53 - Ohh Stormtrack 5 is tracking an east coast storm. 12 inches of snow tomorrow.

10:54 - Sean Combs gets through security and introduces the fif and final song from “The Polar Express” which contains a “real and powerful message”. Beyonce yet again. Just give her an Oscar already for her portrayal of Foxy Cleopatra.

10:58 - Prince presents…
Best Original Song - Jorge Drexler for “Diarios de motocicleta” or “The Motorcycle Diaries”

11:01 - Sean Penn ruins everything then presents…
Best Actress - Hillary Swank for “Million Dollar Baby”

11:07 - Mmmmmmmilky Way…

11:10 - I never knew Gwyneth Paltrow breast fed an apple. She presents…
Best Foreign Language Film - “Mar adentro” directed by Alejandro Amenábar (Spain)

11:15 - Samuel L. Jackson presents bitches….
Best Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - Charlie Kaufman for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”

11:21 - Charlize Theron presents…
Best Actor - Jamie Foxx in “Ray”

11:28 - Wow, a NEW applicator!

11:31 - Julia Roberts must have stabbed Peter Jackson b/c she presents….
Best Director - Clint Eastwood for “Million Dollar Baby”
Whoa, that was the first real shock. I thought it would go to Scorsese.

11:34 - Dustin Hoffman ends the night that he started along with Mecha-Streisand. Oh wait, that’s regular Streisand or Barbara Streisand if you will.
Best Picture of the Year - “Million Dollar Baby”

11:38 - Seacrest out! Um, I mean Chris Rock signs off from what was a very awkward evening.

11:42 - Credits end followed by another plug for “Blind Justice”.

Hrmmm. Just over three hours, not bad. That’s pretty short and that’s exactly what they wanted. Well that’s it. I’d like to thank the following sponsors for making tonight possible:
Wiggly® brand CHUNKY Mayonnaise
Cheese Shake
Game-Where?
Zombie! Notary Public
LA HA!
sacklunch81
frznchikn
stevmonkey
and of course the Chart House, for giving me the night off…after the fact.