Landover Baptist Church
Landover Baptist Church has issued a warning to all God-fearing parents out there: Satan is using Olympic volleyball to get young boys to masturbate! Indeed, the Devil does work in mysterious ways.
Behind the locked doors of America’s Christian bedrooms, young boys are getting swept up in a disturbing trend. “I had a frantic mother come to me the other day in tears,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off off their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys’ Clubs!”
As a recovering young boy, let me assure you parents out there that teenagers need no additional reason to masturbate. I recall my first time: A Madonna music video, perhaps “Take a Bow.” Her cleavage was powered perfectly white. It was just me, Madonna, a jar of mayonnaise and SATAN!
Now, here’s the kicker: I can’t tell if Landover Baptist Church’s website is super serious or satirical in nature. It reads both ways. So I did the only logical thing and checked it out on Wikipedia. Sure enough, Landover Baptist Church is a Christian fundamentalist parody and a damn good one too. It’s also now one of my favorite websites.
Here are a few other choice entries:
• Creation Scientists Trace Origin of Little Red Puppets to the Lake of Fire
• Why Do Chinese People Talk Funny?
• Kristian Kids Korner
• Mind-Altering Energy Drink [Red Bull] Turns Senior High Bible Study Into Godless Sex Orgy
• The Bible Poop Quiz
