Earlier this week Isaac Hayes asked to be released from his contract on South Park and released the following statement:

“There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins. Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices.”

The next day, South Park co-creator Matt Stone fired back:

“In ten years and over 150 episodes of ‘South Park,’ Isaac never had a problem making fun of Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews. He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show. To bring the civil rights struggle into this is just a non sequiter. Of course we will release Isaac from his contract and we wish him well.”

Wednesday, Comedy Central decided to re-air the Scientology episode but at the last minute that ep was pulled in favor of a Chef classic. Rumors began flying that objections from wacky Tom Cruise sparked Comedy Central to pull the show. Trey Parker and Matt Stone issued an “unusual” statement to Variety over the ordeal and the latest entertaining case of tomcrusiery.

“So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!”

Last year I decided I no longer cared about the Academy Awards but still enjoyed watching the ceremony half-assedly. So tonight, as I did last year, even while hindered by my most recent bout of pharyngitis, I will transscrible the tomfoolery and tomcrusery of a bunch of rich people honoring the cream of their crop of crap.

I shall update the real-time Oscars�� every commercial break, unless of course my enormous tonsils obstruct something besides my breathing/swallowing capabilities.

The 78th Annual Academy Awards hosted by Jon Stewart [in real time!]

The following takes place between 8:00 PM and 11:34 PM
8:00
- Typical Oscar opening featuring scenes from “The Wizard of Oz” and “Jurassic Park.”
8:01
- Brought to you by: Diet Coke, Mastercard, JC Penny, General Motors…ahhh sponsors.
8:02
- Awesome skit with former hosts and Mel Gibson?.
- Those are really Steve Martin’s kids.
8:04
- Jon Stewart is not a good actor… Oh, and George Clooney is in his bed.
8:05
- First Jack Nicholson sighting! Felicity shoutout!
8:06
- First “Death to Smoochy” joke.
8:07
- First boob reference!
8:08
- Great reaction from George Clooney.
8:10
- Jew joke. (How tasteless.)
8:11
- Dick Cheney/Bjork joke.
8:13
- Classic gay Hollywood westerns homage.
8:15
- Great Charleston Heston/Moses joke that only about two people heard/laughed at: “He looks like he’s been lifting 20 commandments.”
8:16
- Looking fine, Nicole Kidman presents…
Best Supporting Actor - George Clooney, “Syriana”
8:21
- First commercial break, followed by phglem.
8:25
- Tom Hanks mocks himself in an awkward skit that is marginally funny.
8:26
- Ben Stiller, wearing a green suit, is inspired and actually funny in clever special effects Tony Wonder-esque illusion. He presents…
Best Visual Effects - “King Kong”
8:31
- Reese Witherspoon presents…
Best Animated Feature - “Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
8:34
- Naomi Watts introduces the first of only three Best Original Song nominees.
8:35
- Dolly Parton and her amazing breasts!
8:38
- Dolly is done. Ad-nauseam! Potty break!
8:40
- First Diet Coke commercial.
8:42
- Scientology tomcruisery!
8:43
- Luke and Owen Wilson present…
Best Live Action Short - “Six Shooter”
8:45
- Chicken Little and some really scary animated character present…
Best Animated Short - “The Moon and the Sun”
8:48
- Give this woman a cheeseburger. Jennifer Aniston presents�Ķ
Best Costume - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
8:51
- I think Russell Crow is gonna hit someone. Nope. Montage!
8:54
- Before ABC cuts to commercial, the announcer teases us with mention of Steve Carrell’s name. Will Ferrell’s name is also mentioned.
8:57
- As warned, Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell, both dawning makeup, present…
Best Makeup - “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”
9:00
- A man and woman win for best makeup, the guy takes up the entire speech time, with the woman looking very perturbed. Just as he finally shuts up, the music cut off the woman just as she approached the mic. I bet she is pissed.
9:01
- Russell Crow joke.
9:02
- Tech awards. Yada, yada, yoda.
9:03
- Show some respect, it’s Morgan Freeman. He stumbles on the word “demonstrative”. God presents…
Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz, “The Constant Gardener”
(She was in “The Mummy” and “The Mummy Returns.”)
9:12
- Zombie Lauren Bacall talks about Film Noir. Montage!
9:15
- Yes! I just got a new comment on Myspace.
9:16
- Steven Colbert narrates a series of Best Actress campaign ads.
9:18
- Pimp, Terrance Howard, presents…
Best Documentary Short Subject - “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin”
9:22
- Charlize Theron presents…
Best Documentary Feature - “March of the Penguins”
9:23
- Who let J.Lo in? She talks about “Crash” and introduces a song. The stage appears to be on fire.
9:31
- Extreme Makeover: Tards Edition! [props to Ben]
9:32
- “Speed” reunion! I hate Sandra Bullock. She and Keanu Reeves present…
Best Art Direction - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
9:36
- The star of “Snakes on a Plane” introduces a montage.
- My head hurts.
9:40
- Susan Sarandon joke.
9:41
- The president! Of the Academy!
9:43
The President (again, of the Academy) gives a shout out to NOLA.
9:44
- One of Salma Hayek’s boobs looks much bigger than the other. She intros the best score nominees. I didn’t hear which one because my craxy roommate Amy cackled, voraciously.
9:49
Uni-boob presents…
Best Original Score - “Brokeback Mountain”
9:51 - 9:55
Ryan cries because he hates being sick.
9:56
- Donnie Darko has a crooked bowtie. He talks about spectacles, not the kind you wear on your face.
- MONTAGE!
10:00
- Jesica “Big Head” Alba and Eric “The Hulk: Bana present…
Best Sound Mixing - “King Kong”
(I never saw the monkey movie.)
10:03
- Scary Lindsay Lohan sighting.
10:04 - 10:07
- Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep banter. Look at all that botox.
- They eventually introduce a Robert Altman MONTAGE!
10:10
- OLD! Robert Altman walks out to the “Mash” theme and a standing ovation.
Altman: They’ve got a clock on me.
Ryan: Who’s they? God?
Ben: Tick tock, old man.
10:16
- American Express commercial with M. Night Shammalamamadingdong.
10:18
- Ludicrous! Who let Ludacris into the Oscars? He intros a best song nominee.
10:21
- “Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimp!”
10:22
- Queen Latifah and her chocolate pudding breasts present…
Best Original Song - “It’s Hard out here for a Pimp” from “Hustle and Flow”
10:25
- Jon Stewart cracks up.
- Dradle off!
10:25
- More Ed Helms expose.
10:27
- Jennifer Garner nearly slips, twice, then presents…
Best Sound Editing - “King Kong”
10:30
- Oscar winner George Clooney gives shout-outs to the dearly departed.
10:31
- MONTAGE!

Ok, I lost some time due to multiple distractions:
- an entertaining phone call from Jamie
- medication time
- Campbells Chicken Noodle soup with a grilled cheese sandwich
- roommate banter

Here’s what was missed:
Best Actor - Phillip Seymour Hoffman, “Capote”
Best Actress - Reese Witherspoon, “Walk the Line”
also, six more montages…

11:07
- Captain Hook presents…
Best Adapted Screenplay - “Brokeback Mountain”
11:13
- Looking like the Corpse Bride, Uma Thurmun presents…
Best Original Screenplay - “Crash”
11:19
- Tom Hands hanks out the award for…
Best Director - Ang Lee, “Brokeback Mountain”
11:22
ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE JACK.
Jack Nicholson presents…
BEST PICTURE - “Crash”
11:25
-MAN ARMS!

11:29
-Jon Stewart closes gracefully.
-The credits roll…

11:34
total running time: 3 hours, 34 minutes