Sarah Palin is the gift that keeps on giving….

After a traditional pre-Thanksgiving turkey pardoning, Sarah Palin spoke with members of the local Alaskan elite media about just how brutal a national campaign can be — while several turkeys were graphically slaughtered behind her by some local Alaska nincompoop in what appears to be a wood chipper or, perhaps, a turkey chipper.

Maybe she should come visit Brookline next spring when the terror turkeys return.

UPDATE: Though the carnage is censored, the MSNBC version of the video from last night’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann (with guest host Dan Abrams) is even more of a treat to watch. The bounty of “BREAKING NEWS” graphics at the bottom of the screen — they obviously couldn’t decide on just one so they went with all of them — will make you piss yourself laughing. If the MSNBC logo wasn’t in the bottom right corner one might think (s)he was watching The Daily Show.

Here they are, for the industrious impaired:

Gov. Palin Picks Worst Possible Backdrop for TV News Interview
Turkeys Die as Gov. Palin Takes Questions from Media
Gov. Palin Keeps Talking While Turkeys get Slaughtered Behind Her
Turkey Killing Fowls Palin News Conference
Gov. Palin Not Realizing Incongruity of Her Words Versus Her Backdrop
Gov. Palin Apparently Oblivious to Turkey Carnage Over Her Shoulder

I warned you all last week but no one listened. Now it’s too late. The terrorizing turkeys of Brookline have struck again. The Brookline Tab reports that a team of two turkeys terrorized those trying to enter the BU Grad School of Psychoanalysis.

Universal Hub has another account of turkey terror. Watch as these terrifyingly hot ladies fight back with Brookline’s secret weapon. (Brookline’s secret weapon can be purchased at any local Economy Hardware.)

More video and the gripping story of survival can be found on Carol’s blog.

Last April I wrote Cold Turkey, a true story about my encounter with a giant turkey, who I named Freedom, outside my apartment in Brookline on a cold, rainy day. Well, this morning Universal Hub reported that the turkeys are back out in full-force. A contributing photographer for the Brookline Tab snapped a slew of photos of a wild turkey as it chased some poor woman around her car after she got out to check on the status of said turkey. Apparently the turkey, who is at least half the size of the six-foot tall Freedom, was just lounging in the middle of Beacon Street.

Just last week the Brookline Police Department issued a caution for parents and children to be on the lookout for turkeys while walking to school. They offered the following (hilarious) advice:

· Don’t feed the turkeys — Keep wild things wild! Feeding, whether direct or indirect, can cause turkeys to act tame and may lead to bold aggressive behavior, especially in breeding season.

· Keep bird feeder areas clean — Use feeders designed to keep seed off the ground, as the seed attracts turkeys and other wild animals. Clean up spilled seed daily. Remove feeders in the spring, as there is plenty of natural food available for all birds.

· Don’t let turkeys intimidate you — Don’t hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or with water from your garden hose.

· Cover windows or other reflective objects — If a turkey is pecking at a shiny object such as a window or car, cover or disguise it.

· Protect your gardens or crops — You can harass turkeys searching for food in your gardens. Dogs are effective in scaring turkeys away. Netting is another option.

· Educate your neighbors — Pass this information along; your efforts will be futile if neighbors are providing food for turkeys or neglecting to act bold towards the birds. It requires the efforts of many to help keep the wild turkeys wild.

I think it’s more obvious than ever that the turkeys are planning some sort of preemptive strike against Brookline before Thanksgiving. Unless we leave the turkey’s land now, we can expect a surge in turkey attacks in the coming weeks as the buildup to war approaches.

Work was dead last night. As a result we spent the majority of our evening quoting “Family Guy.” The few of us working just stood around outside doing absolutely nothing productive. Occasionally I went inside to check on my table (table singular) but then I would rejoin in the tomfoolery outside. Jack came out to smoke a cigarette and joined in the conversation. We didn’t talk about anything in particular at first but then the conversation turned to smoking. Actually the conversation turned to not smoking. Jack has been a smoker for years but he really wants to quit. We all told him the best way to quit smoking is to just quit cold turkey. That’s where the conversation turned ridiculous. Where did the expression “cold turkey” come from? What does it mean? And why is it so funny to a bunch of guys bored at work?

Cold turkey means to quit something, usually a drug, in a sudden and abrupt manner. We had no real theories as to the origin of “cold turkey,” though the idea of a turkey chilling in the cold was rather humorous for some reason. Eventually I wondered aloud if anyone had ever literally quit cold turkey. TED, for instance, loves turkey, whether it be fried, smoked, hot or cold. If TED ever became addicted to turkey in its cold state, in such a manner that an intervention was required, would he be able to shake his cold turkey addiction? How does one quit a cold turkey addiction? Cold turkey? See, the comedic possibilities are mind boggling!

For lunch today I had a cold turkey sandwich. It was delicious. Is it possible that my cold turkey conversation last night foreshadowed my lunch today? Probably not. I can have a turkey sandwich anytime I want. It’s just a coincidence that I bought cold turkey from the deli two days ago. Although, if I had been mindful at the time I was devouring my sandwich, I might have realized that this was foreshadowing what was about to happen to me. I wasn’t, and what happened to me next was quite the surprise.

I left the apartment for school. I descended the stairs fiddling with my iPod, not paying attention to anything besides my music selection. Four steps before the bottom of the well I looked up. Perched outside the glass door of my apartment building was a turkey.

Last weekend it was quite beautiful and warm. The highs Saturday and Sunday topped 70 degrees. Some might even say spring finally sprung but we lapsed into a winter remission yesterday. It rained and got down to near freezing last night. This morning it was even colder and I awoke to snow. SNOW! Later the snow turned back to rain but the winds picked up and the high temp soared to a whopping 37 degrees. So yeah, it got cold.

I stood on the fourth step in awe of the giant turkey just a few feet in front of me. In addition to being cold, the turkey, who I named Freedom, seemed confused. Freedom was also in my way. I had to go, but there was a 4 foot tall turkey blocking my door. I didn’t know if Freedom was simply lost or if he was there to avenge his brethren who I just so happened to devour on toasted bread with mayonnaise.

I pushed the door open slowly and Freedom moved aside. Across the street, two immigrants watched and laughed at the cold turkey while smoking cigarettes. If someone invents the cold turkey burrito tomorrow, I’ll know who. I cautiously exited the building as Freedom cautiously moved away. I thought about going back upstairs for my camera, but I needed to get to school. I didn’t want anything to happen to Freedom though. It would be a shame if he got hit by a car this far away from Thanksgiving. I thought about what I should do and the only option was to call Brookline Animal Control.

DISPATCH: Brookline police…
RYAN: Uh, hi. I thought this was animal control. I wanted to report an animal on the loose.
DISPATCH: What kind of animal, sir?
RYAN: Umm, a turkey.
DISPATCH: A turkey?
RYAN: Yeah. Is that weird?
DISPATCH: Where did you see it?
RYAN: On Freeman street, near the intersection of St. Paul.
DISPATCH: Are you sure it’s a turkey?
RYAN: Pretty sure.
DISPATCH: It’s not a duck? -
RYAN: No. Definitely not a duck.
DISPATCH: - or a peacock?
RYAN: (pause) Um, are there normally a lot of peacocks in Brookline?
DISPATCH: Sir, I don’t have time for pranks.
RYAN: This isn’t a prank. There is a turkey standing ten feet in front of me.
DISPATCH: Ok sir. Turkeys are wild animals, it’s not that uncommon to see them.
RYAN: Ok.
DISPATCH: Turkeys are protected animals.
RYAN: Oh. I didn’t know.
DISPATCH: How does he look?
RYAN: Cold. And wet.
DISPATCH: Sir…I meant, does he look disturbed?
RYAN: Um, I’m not sure. I’ve never seen a turkey before, let alone a disturbed one.
DISPATCH: Well does he look dangerous?
RYAN: Um… No. He looks delicious!
DISPATCH: (slight laugh) Don’t worry about him, he’ll fly away soon enough.
RYAN: Uh, I didn’t think turkeys could fly.
DISPATCH: No, they can.
RYAN: Are you sure?
DISPATCH: No.
RYAN: Now Freedom is in the street.
DISPATCH: Excuse me? Who?
RYAN: Freedom. He’s in the street.
DISPATCH: Who is freedom?
RYAN: The turkey!
DISPATCH: Sir, don’t name the turkey.
RYAN: Why not?
DISPATCH: Is there anything else I can help you with?
RYAN: No. I just wanted to tell you about the cold turkey.
DISPATCH: Ronnie!? Is this you?
RYAN: Huh?
DISPATCH: Very funny. Calling about a cold turkey the day I quit smoking.
RYAN: Uhhh…
DISPATCH: I’ve got work to do. (hangs up)